Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   So you need some excitement in her life? Go buy a pet hippo or badger. Problem solved!

   i like my coffee with half and half... half cream and sugar and half coffee

   I remain concerned that without Internet access, the people of Egypt may not know that Charlie Sheen is okay.

   Never be afraid to try something new. Remember: Professionals built the Titanic; Amateurs built the Ark.

   Don't you just love nature? Dispite what it did to your face.

   I posted on Facebook I was no Gynagoligist,but i'll take a look. I got "17 people like this.And best of all 5 appointments !

   Whoever said that laughter is the best medicine has obviously never had broken ribs.

   When life knocks me down, I call her a b*tch and walk away. She hates it when I call her that

   BBC News: Couple remarry 57 years after divorce. God bless Alzheimers.

   I think the NHS cutbacks have gone too far... I didn't even get a f-kin sticker at the dentist today.

   I hit a coyote with my car on the way to work this morning. I tried to miss it but it was going to fast. It might have had something to do with that ACME rocket strapped to his back

   S(he) (is) Br(ok)en.

   you know the economy is bad when you get a check from the government and it bounces! Good luck my fellow Americans

   Bravo Taco Bell for your beefesque product. Even if it is only 35% well I say just eat 3 of them ...to get 105%

   Some of the ingredients of Taco Bell meat "filler" isolated oat product, soybean based anti dusting agent and silicon dioxide (better known by it's street name sand). It's like your mouth has gone to the beach to take a vacation from meat.

   getting to work on time only makes the day longer!

   Oprah sister is the new Pat; Pat is the new Stedman and Stedman is the new Tampon.

   LADIES You're in a queue in primark , shoes in hand. If your friend sees a top she likes and throws it to you from the back of the queue , if there's nobody in front of you in the queue at the moment the top leaves your friends hands..... YOU ARE OFFSIDE!

   He's rather listen to an entire series of audio books read by Gilbert Gottfried than to listen to your babbling BS any longer.

   my method of Resistance Training is just NOT working out!