Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"

   What do I mean no? Let me clarify....No! As in the opposite of yes. And as in you get nothing!!

   Bill Clinton was recently seen smoking a pipe. When asked why he wasn't smoking a cigar he said, ''Cigars are for pu**ies." Clinton rules!

   this college basketball game is presented to you by Bud Light.....but we wont sell it just to piss you off!

   Everything ██is█████ ████ ████fine ███ █ ████ love. ████ █████ the ███ Egypt ███ ████ government ██

   Tottenham's bids to sign David Beckham and Phil Neville failed after they missed the transfer deadline... By 7 years.

   Who's hit more balls than Babe Ruth?...... Your chin

   Do you work at Subway?... Cuz you just gave me a footlong!

   Simon sure does look alot like Steven Tyler this year, huh?

   this heat is making me as confused as a baby in a strip club...

   That little Justin Biber chick is really starting to piss me off! Why can't one of the Olsen Twins give her Herpes or something?

   I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants

   's tip of the day: Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away AND you have their shoes.

   figured out that bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks

   WOW!! This winter storm system spans 2000 miles!!

   How to make a fire easy... 1. Get a bunch of sticks and arrange them in a pyramid. 2. Put rocks around the sticks in a circle. 3. Wave your RIGHT hand over the sticks in a circular motion and say "Wakaaa...Flockaaa...FLAME!"

   I've met many believers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.

   How do you know the Native Indians invented the toothbrush ?..Because if the white man did it would have been called the teethbrush

   Did you hear about the new, talking-terrorist doll? They don't know what it says; everyone is afraid to pull the string.

   How come we live in a world where lemonade is made from artificial flavors & furniture polish is made from real lemons?