Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎79% of accidents happen in the home.... Finally, good news for the homeless....

   I'm deleting some friends off my facebook...you may not make the cut. You have been warned. Have a great day. :D

   When God asks what you've done with your life, try not to say “Didn't you read my statuses?”

   If I sleep on my side, do the "ZZZZs" turn into "NNNNs" ?

   wonders if its politically incorrect to pour Self Raising Flour on orphan kids.....

   Who wrote the book of love? Who cares!? It was probably a woman that had unreachable expectations anyway.

   Listen lady, if you don't want my balls on your rack then go bowl somewhere else!

   Dr Steven hawking has been quoted as say that believes totally in the big bang theory and he thinks everybody should. I was shocked, I mean sure the show is alright, but personally I don't think Kaley Cuoco is really that good a actress.

   When did Facebook turn into an Emo message board?! Seriously, cheer up or I'm unfriending your ass!

   Facebook killed the Myspace star.

   ___________is so far in the closet he is finding skeletons in Narnia.

   I can honestly say that I have never left a room just because the carpet didn't match the drapes.

   the best of part waking up is folgers in my whiskey.

   If you were naked in bed, laying between Cheryl Cole and Alan Carr, which one would you face and which one would you turn your back to?

   2.I've given up the search for reality; now I'm just looking for a good fantasy.

   is "childish. No he's not, yes he is, no he's not, yes he is."

   thinking they should make a road paving company called Good Intentions.

   If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.

   A recent study has shown that two in one people are schizophrenics.

   Everyone is calling me and texting me saying some big idiot is running down the road with nothing but a diaper on..where are you going?