Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Zombies with afros are attacking my monkey!

   introducing the latest game from Zynga.....SNOWVILLE..... make coins as Mr. Plow.....purchase snow shovels and snow throwers to do jobs...do "special jobs" clearing driveways for the elderly couple down the street as you ask friends for help.... and be ca

   Will it ever stop; Yo, I don't know, turned out the lights, and there's snow

   somebody please reassure me that i'm not the only one not happy with the way talent and fame are becoming inversely proportional.

   I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."---Hedberg Classic :)

   the weather forecast sounds so dirty when the female meteroligists talk about all those inches!!!

   How come Mario can smash through bricks... yet he dies when he touches a freaking turtle!!!???

   When I was a kid people who wore there hat crooked, pants half off, and shoes untied rode the short bus!

   Dear Weatherman, Thanks Nostradamus, but I believe the fact that I now have ovaries is a pretty good indicator of how cold it is...Tell me when I can expect the thermometer to NOT read "Fu@king Burrrr" anymore....work on that...thanks

   Girls are like police. They never believe things without evidence.

   knows Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words...

   I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"

   What do I mean no? Let me clarify....No! As in the opposite of yes. And as in you get nothing!!

   Bill Clinton was recently seen smoking a pipe. When asked why he wasn't smoking a cigar he said, ''Cigars are for pu**ies." Clinton rules!

   this college basketball game is presented to you by Bud Light.....but we wont sell it just to piss you off!

   Everything ██is█████ ████ ████fine ███ █ ████ love. ████ █████ the ███ Egypt ███ ████ government ██

   Tottenham's bids to sign David Beckham and Phil Neville failed after they missed the transfer deadline... By 7 years.

   Who's hit more balls than Babe Ruth?...... Your chin

   Do you work at Subway?... Cuz you just gave me a footlong!

   Simon sure does look alot like Steven Tyler this year, huh?