Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In hindsight, maybe two hours of being snowed in was too soon to eat my family.

   don't piss on my boot and tell me it's raining

   Ice has a way of turning even the most graceful of people into really bad break dancers......

   I believe in God…However, rest assured that unless you are a woman, with a weird fetish, I will NOT be throwing bibles at you…

   Like a good neighbor, State farm is there.. With two neeighborhood kids to shovel my driveway................ Aww man! that Sh*t don't work!

   ice seems to be able to make even the most graceful of people turn into really bad break dancers.....

   going to start "The Gas is to Damm High Party" who's with me!

   My give a damn maybe busted, but my can of whoop ass is ready to pop.

   Valentines advance: If she goes to the party, watches the entire Super Bowl and has a good time with you then she is valentine material.

   I saw a sign earlier that said 'Watch Batteries Fitted Here'. I couldn't see the entertainment in it myself.

   Officer says "Gee, Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?

   Americans treat the Constitution the same way they treat the Bible: Despite never having read or understood it, they are quite certain they know both.

   If it squirms it's Biology; if it stinks it's Chemistry; if it doesn't work it's Physics and if you can't understand it, it's Mathematics.

   A neurotic is a person who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the person who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the person who collects the rent.

   We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities. Bill

   Foolishness always results when the tongue outraces the brain.

   Its funny how Governments evolution is opposite as to mans evolution.

   If I seduce it, really get it going, then leave it alone for ten minutes,maybe this paper will finish itself.

   You know when you are getting old when, you finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

   Honestly, I'd hit Anderson Cooper too if I had the chance.