Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5272 of 6446

In hindsight, maybe two hours of being snowed in was too soon to eat my family.
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02-04-2011 10:59 by Aaron
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don't piss on my boot and tell me it's raining
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02-04-2011 10:33
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Ice has a way of turning even the most graceful of people into really bad break dancers......
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02-04-2011 10:25 by scottyp
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I believe in God…However, rest assured that unless you are a woman, with a weird fetish, I will NOT be throwing bibles at you…
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02-04-2011 10:14 by M.A.C.
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Like a good neighbor, State farm is there.. With two neeighborhood kids to shovel my driveway................ Aww man! that Sh*t don't work!
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02-04-2011 10:00
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ice seems to be able to make even the most graceful of people turn into really bad break dancers.....
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02-04-2011 09:53 by scottyp
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going to start "The Gas is to Damm High Party" who's with me!
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02-04-2011 09:40
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My give a damn maybe busted, but my can of whoop ass is ready to pop.
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02-04-2011 09:27
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Valentines advance: If she goes to the party, watches the entire Super Bowl and has a good time with you then she is valentine material.
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02-04-2011 09:19
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I saw a sign earlier that said 'Watch Batteries Fitted Here'. I couldn't see the entertainment in it myself.
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02-04-2011 09:16 by @clarkysj
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Officer says "Gee, Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?
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02-04-2011 08:49 by bridget
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Americans treat the Constitution the same way they treat the Bible: Despite never having read or understood it, they are quite certain they know both.
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02-04-2011 08:47 by bridget
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If it squirms it's Biology; if it stinks it's Chemistry; if it doesn't work it's Physics and if you can't understand it, it's Mathematics.
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02-04-2011 08:46 by bridget
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A neurotic is a person who builds a castle in the air. A psychotic is the person who lives in it. A psychiatrist is the person who collects the rent.
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02-04-2011 08:46 by bridget
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We have the Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities. Bill
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02-04-2011 08:45 by bridget
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Foolishness always results when the tongue outraces the brain.
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02-04-2011 08:44 by bridget
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Its funny how Governments evolution is opposite as to mans evolution.
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02-04-2011 08:44 by SKIDROW
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If I seduce it, really get it going, then leave it alone for ten minutes,maybe this paper will finish itself.
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02-04-2011 08:42 by bridget
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You know when you are getting old when, you finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
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02-04-2011 08:40 by bridget
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Honestly, I'd hit Anderson Cooper too if I had the chance.
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02-04-2011 08:33 by 1234
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