Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Cops just left. They said if I want to walk around my house naked, I have to do it inside...

   I'm on this new diet. I only eat after my wife agrees to sex. So far I've lost 72lbs.

   $300.00 to buy a ticket to see Rage Against the Machine makes me think that they now are the machine.

   I don't care if you like Trump, just don't be like him and hate all non white races.

   I think we have enough youth. How about a Fountain of Smart?

   Happy Valintimes, as I love you more then I can express on a website sent by means of a plastic artificial intelligence device <3

   Going thru my friends list and deleting every 5th person because statistically speaking, they have an STD.

   F-book has gone from a social media platform, to an entity bent on 'protecting' people from the truth.

   Had one of those DNA test done. Turns out I'm related to Adam and Eve.

   Dove chocolates taste way better than their soap

   You're the only one - Valentine's Day cards on sale 2 for $5

   Thanks, but I think I'll pass on clicking on your link that scans all my personal facebook information into some unknown database to tell me what color my aura is.

   Don't be sad if you're alone on Saint Valentine's Day as it could be worse like how it turned out for poor Saint Valentine who for the love of a woman was imprisoned then beat to death with clubs.

   Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.

   PESSIMIST : Someone who can look at the land of milk and honey, and see only calories and cholesterol !

   Real friends don’t rub it in. They rub it out.

   My girlfriend doesn't understand why her Facebook friends don't recognize her in public, which might be because she takes a hundred selfies and posts the best one knowing that she looks like the other 99

   My friend Sierra tried to throw her empty soda can in the trash. Unfortunately, Sierra Mist.

   Taking things to the thrift store. But first I have to drive around with it in the back of my car for the next 3 months.

   Show her you care by grabbing anything off the CVS shelf with a heart on it.