Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Disney has a new movie coming out. TinkerBell meets her brother, Taco.

   It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore. Just bought a TV and it said 'Built in Antenna." I don't even know where that is.

   You seem like the type of person who wears a helmet when you go jogging.

   Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life? Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better

   This Halloween I'm going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn't answer the door after 8pm.

   The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

   Friend: How come you keep wearing white pants? Me: Trying to summon my period.

   Me socialising: terrible. Me socialising with alcohol: terrible, but with enthusiasm.

   My daughter's school is selling apples for their band. If I want to buy a bag of apples for 400 bucks I'll go to Whole Foods.

   wife: I want you- me: [takes off clothes] wife: -to do the laundry me: [puts them in washer]

   [first day as a soldier] ME: whoa I almost stepped on a land grenade SARGE: mine ME: whoa I almost stepped on your land grenade

   Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”

   computer: enter password me: mypulloutgame computer: password weak all 8 of my kids: daddy why are you crying

   *gets a new lease on life* *misses first payment*

   I just sung Mariah Carey's "Hero" to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

   I'm taking stuff to the thrift store. But first I have to drive around with it in the back of my car for 6 months.

   Kids and their Halloween costumes. We were so poor when I was a kid, my Mom drew on our faces with an El Marko, and we trick or treated for canned food. NO MA'AM, I'll TAKE THE CANNED CORN.

   He's doing a fabulous job of destroying the economy that president Obama left him. Tremendous job!

   If I learned anything from our great president, it's that I should abandon all my allies and embrace all my enemies.

   Do you ever feel like you are in Season 5 of your life and the writers keep coming up the weird stuff just to keep it interesting?