Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say the world of relationships is an endless sea, but sometimes you go to bed with a mermaid, the next morning you wake up with a whale

   Children in the back seats of cars cause accidents, but accidents in the back seats of cars cause children.

   I've been waiting 2 hours for an employee to come and wash my hands like the sign says….

   Guys, it's time to start working on those apologies for Valentine's Day.

   When I die...the one thing I hope God says to me when I get to heaven......"Don't worry.....she's not coming".

   too avoid mistakes and regrets, always consult your wife before engaging in a flirtation.

   Why does a man take it for granted that a girl who flirts with him wants him to kiss her - when, nine times out of ten, she only wants him to want to kiss her?

   found out this morning that frying bacon while naked may not be as good of an idea as it sounds!

   Love puts the fun in together, the sad in apart, and the joy in a heart

   can't seem to find East Virgina on any of the maps he is looking at

   wonders how different the world would be if bad and stupid people came with warning labels

   Men regret the girls they didn't sleep with while Women regret the guys they did.

   asked to leave from a house party for being to rowdy. Solution.....I asked to use the bathroom and upperdecked their toilet.

   just finished taking care of my bills...its easy when they are paperless, just hit delete

   If it's your birthday in November, then you know your parents really enjoyed Valentine's Day...

   • Thank you Facebook for reconnecting me with the people I ignored in High School

   The NFL should have had Justin Bieber sing the National Anthem. What would be more un-american than Christina Aquilera forgetting the lyrics? A Canadian singing our National Anthem. (p.s. the camera still adds 40 pounds even if you are wearing black)

   GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your girlfriend with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

   Don't you just love it when someone owes you money and posts that they just bought some luxury item for themselves.

   34 days till steak and rh day! :D