Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm awake. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time...

   Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

   My medic alert bracelet warns first responders that I kiss back during CPR.

   I went to see a fat psychic the other day..... well it was actually a four chin teller.

   What is a cannibal’s favourite sandwich? Kevin Bacon, lettuce, and tomato.

   I'm not gonna wear uggs or crocs or any other shoe that sounds like a noise my body makes involuntarily.

   billie eilish, carly rae jepsen, and miley cyrus should form a pop group called billie rae cyrus

   When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?

   There are 3 certainties in life -death -taxes -anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to

   I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

   I’m 39, If you invite me to a party that only starts after 10pm, I’m not even going to pretend I’ll make it.

   Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.

   My bucket list. 1. Buy bucket.

   Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents

   Hubs and I have fought so much lately I've lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I'd like to lose another 10 lbs first.

   In Scotland, it's illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. I just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down.

   Just remember when the conversation gets shorter with you, it’s getting longer with someone else.

   What came first the chicken or the egg all depends on whether or not I'm having breakfast or dinner.

   If someone makes meat based vegetables, I'm in!

   Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.