Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I use a blender to make protein shakes in my office every day. That way when I use it to mix up a pitcher of margaritas no one even notices.

   The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends. Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don't want you to know.

   Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return. ~Me flirting

   Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

   Wife: how did you get all that dirt under your fingernails? Me: it's brownies..

   The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks. I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

   I gained three pounds last weekend and I'm fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

   Actually, Trump didn't fire the entire pandemic response team in 2018 because he hated Obama. But I do remember when their planned budget cut happened so they could focus on real issues. Coronavirus lies.

   Taco Bell is testing a new dessert item called Cap'n Crunch Delights. They are warm doughnut holes filled with sugary cream and rolled in Cap'n Crunch. They really know how to capture the flavors of old Mexico.

   Florida became a state on this day in 1845. The amazing thing is that most of Florida’s population was alive to witness it.

   Happy birthday to Alexander Graham Bell. In his honor, I’ll be calling in sick.

   The Coronavirus is like pasta. The Chinese invented it, but the Italians are spreading it all over the world.

   Remember when Trump fired the entire pandemic response team in 2018 because he hated Obama? Coronavirus remembers.

   Q: How many Grammar Nazis does it take to change a light bulb? A: Too.

   bartender just now: the usual? me: you know it bartender: [throws me thru window]

   No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.

   If coronavirus isn't about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it

   I hurt myself doing the Safety Dance.

   During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, "where should I put my pants"? "Over there by mine", was not the answer I was expecting.

   "Get a parrot," they said. "It'll be fun," they said. "Get a parrot," the parrot said. "It'll be fun," the parrot said.