Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do I keep seeing the word "surprised" on statuses? Really! Today you were surprised to get candy and flowers at work from your bf, gimme a break. Tattoo nieve on your forehead please.

   when I got pulled over, the cop said he clocked me doing 75 mph in 55 mph zone. I asked "WHERE D'YA GET THAT APP?"

   would like to remind any unhappy souls today that St Valentine was beaten to death with clubs

   On Valentines day I am actually ❒ Single ❒ Taken ❒ Ball'in ❒ Pimp'n ✔ Hungry for Chocolate

   Today is the only day Women can relate to condoms, their either on you or in your wallet !

   I just got an email asking me if I wanted to "be larger so I could please my lady." Heck no! She's the one who put me on this diet to begin with!

   I called in sick for work today. It was a sunday, my boss says "you dont work today" I paused and said "oh..ill call you tomorrow than"

   the best thing about Valentines day is...half price chocolate Tuesday!

   True fact of the day: On March 13, 1781 Uranus was discovered ........ ha ha Uranus

   First she wears a dress made from raw meat and now she arrives at the Grammys in a giant egg. I can't watch any more. My cholesterol level keeps going up.

   Valentines day. Where nookie is only a box of chocolates away.

   Bartering goods for sex is prostitution but today its ok? Happy Valentine's Day!!!

   time for class...today will never be called ValentiMe's day...learn to speak people

   had Lady Gaga started her first performance from inside her fathers' condom, last night would have never occurred

   at the next awards' show, Lady Gaga will begin her performance by being squeezed from a cow's udders

   This valentines day is going to suck(period)

   Today is Valentine's Day. Or, as men like to call it, Extortion day."

   now accepting applications for a Valentine...Requirements as follows : 1) Pulse 2) Female...as the day progresses, requirement #1 may become negotiable...

   If I worked at a restaurant on Valentine's Day I would put a fake engagement ring in every girl's drink.

   Just to be different, I cry about being single on the 4th of July, and celebrate Valentine's Day with explosives.