Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   With Burger King's new commercial of the Whopper growing mold I guess I won't be saving them anymore for the next 34 days.

   Looks like Bloomberg got stopped and frisked during the debate...

   It's snowing! And I think I'll go outside now for 30 seconds to take a selfie so all my Facebook friends can see how much I love the snow.

   to finish below status, to be born in Kenya but it wasnt socialist enough.

   People should stop believing bizarre stories about U.S. presidents. George Washington did not have wooden teeth. Abe Lincoln did not write the Gettysburg address on an envelope. And President Obama wasn't born in Kenya. It was Tanzania. He was going to b

   Richard Nixon's wife once asked him to make her a pot roast. He replied, "I am not a cook."

   You'll know you've grown old when your 6 pack abs turn into a keg.

   I'm so old I remember when the Beatles where are the New Kids on the Block.

   I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.

   Please create a password. Your password must contain a capital letter, and number, a special character, and emoji, eight elements of the periodic table and a short story with a protagonist, character development and a plot twist at the end

   There will soon come a day when the only thing we'll use modern technology for is to reminisce about how good things were before modern technology.

   I never know if I have free time or if I just keep forgetting stuff...

   Flip phones are coming back into style which means I'll finally look cool using my old one that's more streamlined and cost $1,400 less.

   I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.

   If you watch Harry Potter backwards, Voldemort is really good at zapping people back to life and turning Harry into a baby.

   hey teens, you think you're angry now, wait until you have to buy your own toilet paper

   If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off... It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.

   Things you can't touch: 1. Happines 2. The Easter Bunny 3. Your wife's sister 4. This

   Just saved a guy from drowning by throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline. He also gets 25% off his next rescue.

   Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.