Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   im a ninja....no your not....did you see me just do that....do what?... exactly

   Watching a little kid learn to brush their teeth is adorable... unless they are trying to use a sharpie with no cap on.

   1st: Chris Brown hits her 2nd: Eminem lies to her and 3rd: Drake cant remember her name. What a life Rihanna has

   thinking that I need to go home and rest my conscience

   Has a immunity idol hidden in my pants.

   Got rid of my vacuum cleaner. It was just gathering dust

   SEX- now that I have your attention....(real status)

   makeup can make you look pretty on the outside, but it doesn't help if you're ugly on the inside. Unless you eat the makeup.

   If you ever catch yourself just sitting around your house thinking “Hey I need to go buy the new Justin Bieber CD”, Please delete me as your friend as soon as possible! Thanks.

   shakeweight.... no thank you, I have my own. kinda wish someone else would shake it though. I'm tired of exercising alone

   At the end of your life, you should get a rebate for however much time you spent learning cursive.

   if they give you a bib for lobster, they should definitely give you a diaper for Indian food.

   So far, this is the oldest I've ever been.

   It's cute the way you ignore the red squiggly line under all of your words.

   Well, if you learn from your mistakes, by now I should have a Ph.D. in Screwupologoy.

   of course "Need you now" won for song of the year, is the best booty call song of all times!

   Remember, folks, today is National Punch A Politician Day, so don't forget to stop by city hall and take a number.

   the preceding status update was erased before a live audience.

   in charge of fixing dinner tonight, and I want to get home and open that jar of peanut butter so it can breathe.

   Just once I'd like a bride to walk down the aisle to "The Imperial March" in place of "Here Comes the Bride".