Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Are orphans allowed to watch PG movies?

   just stubbed my toe so hard that I called my ex gf that I haven't spoken to in 3 years and broke up with her again.

   Remember: warning labels exist because someone failed at using the product correctly. scary when you think about windshield sun covers and the warning "do not drive while intact"

   Mosquito: an insect that makes you like flies better.

   People who pimp out pick up trucks , is like dressing your little boy up in girls clothes.

   To be honest, I'm just fishing for compliments tonight.

   Since wishing for more wishes isn't allowed, why not wish for more magic lamps?

   Please tell your booty to stop calling me! Its over, it needs to accept it and move on.

   I think for just about everybody, at some point in your life, there's one teacher you had a secret crush on. For me, it's my wife's aerobic teacher.

   Today at the NASCAR race they drove around in an oval for about 4 hrs! Next week, same thing.

   couldn't get a girl even if he bathed in chocolate and wore clothes made of $1,000 bills

   Quit while you're ah

   I can't listen to "Right Now" by Van Halen anymore, because all I can think of is Crystal Clear Pepsi.

   Dry clean only...means I will never ever wash this.

   Just met one of those people that start laughing at things you said 10 minutes ago....because they just "got it"

   Just got a fortune cookie with no fortune in it ... Sounds about right

   Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is..

   Yesterday the house was clean, sorry you missed it.

   Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

   Save a baby seal...Club a liberal.