Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel.

   just discovered a great motivator for dieting. I just tried on my bikini's I plan on wearing this summer.

   Just herd Tyler Perry is investing in a new special event...Ah well... I will talk to you guys later, I'm about to watch Tyler Perry Presents: The Oscars.

   I'm counting the calories as I eat this double quarter pounder with cheese...Wish me luck weight lost!

   now that you've checked in there i'm going around your place to steal your things coz I now know i've got a good hour before you're close to home!!

   practicing her speech for the Oscars with a little help from King George VI. So far all I have is....th..thank....you.

   You can safely say you live in the ghetto when you open your front door to the smell of hotdogs.

   When a woman says "We need to work on our communication" what she means is you need to listen to what I want and not share your opinion on the matter.

   Look slavery is and will alwayz be wrong..BUT...I think I'm starting too understand white folks better cuz doing ur own laundry does kinda suck too

   i love watching commercials for medicatications. the symptoms are usually worse the the side effects of the meds. for example I have an itchy leg. "try dexalog: symptoms might involve: growing an extra head out of your, neck, skin to decintergrate, loss o

   I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.

   I always wondered why dinosaurs are not mentioned in the bible, the dinosaurs were around before man created god.

   Scott Walker for President......of Libya!

   Goat Cheese: "Hey you know that disgusting animal you'd never eat? Check out what we did with some of it's breast milk!"

   If I truly posted what was on my mind........I'd most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now! Enough said

   Shaved my beard down to goatee. I look like an elderly gay Viennese psychiatrist circa 1910. Sweet! Just the look I wanted.

   Hmm, my upstairs office window is open and I just spotted my kid's cape. Wish me luck!

   Whenever I find out someone has a waterbed I always think, “That's probably not the only thing you have”.

   Put on your Sunday's best kids. We're going to Sears....

   : Everybody wants some.