Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Read it slow: LIFEISNOWHERE. What did you read? LIFE IS NO WHERE or LIFE IS NOW HERE? Life is as you read it.

   Scott Walker, I don't know what it is that you're doing to make it appear as if you're really stupid, but whatever it is, it's really working .

   While most people are becoming older and wiser, I'm becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.

   Does this comic book collection make me look single?

   Drinking doesn't make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them...

   this year more than any other I am hoping for a wardrobe malfunction on American Idol!!!

   I'm waiting till the iPad 1,473 comes out because it will fly you to the moon while you surf the internet.

   Drinking doesn't make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them...

   If you want me to go running with you, I'm going to need some motivation...Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.

   Confucious say , he who eat jelly bean, fart in living color.

   Raise your hand if you would add your boss as a Facebook friend. Now with the other hand slap yourself in the face.

   Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?

   FACEBOOK asks me what I'm thinking, TWITTER asks me what I'm doing, FOURSQUARE asks me where I am. Conclusion: Internet is my girlfriend!

   Wish we could be like bears, get all fat eating good food in the fall, hibernate all winter, and be all skinny for summer... Then do it all over again

   If before every major life decision, people would just say "What would Charlie Sheen do?"...The world would be so much more interesting....

   With the day I just had looking to go out tonight for a bender. The type of bender even Charlie Sheen would say "DAMN DUDE YOU BETTER SLOW DOWN BEFORE YOU KILL YOURSELF"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   Confucious say man who not married not quite ready , when he get married he finished

   has come to the conclusion the more women have seen naked by accident than on purpose.

   If I die young like in the next few days I blame it on the Girl Scouts and their evil cookies.

   Busted, Disgusted, and most of all, I can't be trusted.