Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Women don't want to hear what you think...Women want to hear what they think- in a deeper voice."

   just ripped a hole in my American Eagle jeans. I'd be mad but I think they just went up in value..

   When moving walkways in airports warn me to watch my step because, "The walkway is coming to a end", my first thought is "I'm moving 2 mph, that is ridiculous." Then when I get to the end all I can think is "Oh crap, I better not mess this up."

   This time of year every store is advertising as "your one stop shop!" Really? I'm in college, I'm pretty sure that's the liquor store.

   Notice Liars have 2 or 3 stories like a big house!!!!

   Dear slut, Has your right leg ever met your left leg?

   Sometimes I smile in the middle of telling a story, not because I'm fondly remembering something, but because I'm impressed with the BS I am creating on the spot."

   If ghosts can walk through walls and glide down stairs, why don't they fall through the floor?"

   Everyone's self worth should only be measured by how useful they would be in the zombie apocalypse

   silence is golden, but duct tape is all kinds of cool colors now!

   just watched the new gay television series "leave it to beiber"

   just because the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, doesn't mean its not fake field turf.

   Car manufacturers need to get with the program! I can't be the only one that wants a Death Ray option.

   Grand Theft Auto is the only sourse in which I am able to express myself freely without any consequences

   My Take on Glee: So it's people singing, dancing, and having sex, all with a guy in a wheelchair watching. Kinda like an orgy at Larry Flynt's house.

   custom fitted, custom kitted, wood grain, custom errything, whats that on the seat? custom mustard stain.

   Silence is golden, but Duct tape is silver.

   I love listening to my neighbor talk about his four year degree and when he's done I say...can you supersize that, then drive up to the pick up window.

   Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

   Love is like a glass door… Sometimes you don't see it and it smacks you right in the face.