Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bruno mars is catching grenades and Taio Cruz is using dynamite, well it's obvious they've been playing COD..#blackops

   Like if you dont think ..3x-7y+(1/2)b.. really gonna help you in life?

   Ever wonder why the ceilings of churches are so high? To make one feel less invaluable and intimidated...

   According to the “you snooze you lose” principle, insomnia makes us winners.

   thinks the best thing about telepathy is…I know, right?

   Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there...with a funnier status.

   wants to thank Starbucks CEOs for now offering severely addicted customers, like myself, a bathtub-sized cup. Awesome!

   wonders how many times he should ignore his girlfriend telling him she put her tampon in the wrong hole?

   doesn't get drunk - I get awesome!

   took the red pill and woke up broke in Vegas. Thanks Morpheus.

   Apparently, saying "grande" in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.

   opportunity always involves some risk..but didnt expect it to robb me..

   I like my women like I like my beer.... gone when I'm finished!

   Each day gives you an opportunity to change something in your life. I use that opportunity to change my underwear.

   Patience is like urine, sooner or later you may loose it!

   Youre never too old to learn something stupid

   Lady Gaga is really Marilyn Manson after 10 years of hormone therapy

   Charlie Sheen snorted enough coke to kill Two and a Half Men.

   hah... you're going out with my ex? Cool, want my leftover sandwich, too?

   You'd be amazed how often I'm wrong when people say, "Guess what?"