Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a woman marries again, it is because she detested her first husband. When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. Women try their luck; men risk theirs.

   I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

   If you dont like me remember its mind over matter, I dont mind and you dont matter!

   BEER!!!! now cheaper than gas...DRINK......DON'T DRIVE!!!!!

   Hold your tounge and say " I won a math debate"

   i wonder if men who wear skinny jeans have to wear thongs too since there is clearly no room for boxers or briefs in those things

   SAY ''I won a math debate'' really fast & click the like button if you get it

   The bad news is radiation is now pouring from two plants in japan, the good news is Godzilla could be a real possibility in a few years.

   I been seeinq the same posts for the past weeks. yall needa to stop slackin, I need more qudd statuses (:

   Who wants to bet I don't have a gambling problem?

   I dont have a gambling problem!! How much you wanna bet?

   ATTENTION STRIPPERS: Now that the US will be distributing coin dollars instead of bills, you might want to invest in a fanny pack, goggles, and a helmet. BOW CHIKA WOW WOW.

   Who wants to bet me I don't have a gambling problem?

   Dear Mapquest: Why not start with driving direction #5; I am pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood...

   Charlie Sheen is releasing his own cologne called Winning. I hear it smells like cocaine, rum, and hookers.

   texting people and asking for their phone number.

   I've reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

   Apparently....Charlie Sheen is now suing the tsunami that hit Japan for replacing him as the biggest disaster on TV.

   if you dont know what something is, dont ask on a facebook comment to let everyone know how stupid you are. if ur an idiot, the google search is ur friend

   Japan`s earthquake shifted the earths axis by 10cm. It`s not much but we are well on our way to our toilets flushing counter-clockwise!