Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   EVERYBODY needs to get their heads out of their @$$'s the world is not going to end next year! in 2000 they said that something was going to happen, and nothing EVER did!

   Am sorry but that Progessive Insurance chick " DISCOUNT !!! " .... ya her! she pretty hot !!

   I am a Social Drinker, and since facebook is a social network.... I drink while I am on it lol

   Before Snoop Dogg had his "foshizzle", Willy Wonka had his "Scrumdiddlyumptious" bar!

   Wives & girlfriends are temporary but ex-wives & ex-girlfriends last forever.

   The four food groups: Fast, Frozen, Instant, and Chocolate.

   The recent tsunami is not divine biblical retribution or proof that the world is ending on 12/21/12. Overblown media coverage has turned this natural tragedy into a circus. What's needed now is support, solidarity and common sense

   Actions speak louder than words, but talk is cheap and you have to consider that in this economy.

   Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, "Hey, at least I'm not pregnant." And I know happy days are around the corner.

   Words of wisdom #1: Never buy brownies at Snoop Dogs bake sale.

   I made sushi for my dinner today. I was missing some ingrediants though, so I substituted the fish with ham, the wasabi with mustard and the rice with two slices of bread. Yum! Good sushi!

   I'm swearing off energy drinks! The last one left me so buzzed,I ended up out in my yard for hours freaking out about a double rainbow!

   Do kleptomaniacs take medicine for their condition or do they pay for it?

   I like my men, like I like my coffee. Ground up and in the freezer.

   After the age of 35, people start losing 7,000 brain cells a day. That number is tripled if they have a Facebook account.

   Did you know? Line dancing was started by women waiting to use the bathroom.

   Gas stations need to have a happy hour..

   In life, we have 2 choices: we could spend our time crying for what's gone or instead we could smile for what's to come. That's for us to decide. Now, 1 thing is for sure. Life still goes on, no matter what. It won't wait for us. Join it or be left behind

   Hello Mr. Monster Truck tailgating me with your superbright halogen headlights... I can make my break lights brighter... wanna see?

   When I grow up and become the president of Akunamatata I'm gonna go to war with the whole world.