Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Weather Channel, the mancrush you have on Jim Cantore and his lame storm stories is getting ridiculous...Can I just see my local forecast please?!

   (_̅_̲̲̲̲̲̅̅̅̅̅̅̅_̅__̅_̅_̅()~~~ passs it!!!

   The only wet dream I had about you was when you got hit by a bus and I pissed my pants laughing

   Today I'm going to entertain the kids with a game of duct, duct, tape.

   I just saw a hobo on the side of the road with a sign that said "Hungry Hungry Hobo."

   today's weight loss tip: use super glue as lipgloss...

   You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac... you're welcome.

   Just got an extra quarter while getting my change from the soda machine. THUG LIFE.

   You know breast feeding a baby turtle is not as easy as they make it out to be!

   MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.

   just headbutted his cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

   hopes the walls stops moving before his manager notices he's drunk

   would say something smart but you wouldnt understand...

   Music now a days sucks....Jim Morrison, dead; Kurt Cobain, dead; Biggie, dead; Justin Beiber, healthy as a god damn mule!

   I just went downstairs and my roommate is watching American Idol. I am not saying the show is bad or anything, but sometimes I think it would be fun to be in the audience with a toilet plunger and a crossbow.

   Next person who says "I hate the heat and humidity" will learn that it's not my fist, but the impact.

   Happiness is only a beautiful woman and a riding crop away.

   twinkle twinkle little star...point me to the nearest bar.

   did I really just see a guy on a bicycle carrying a 30 rack of Busch?

   you can tell more about a person's true character after they gain some random wealth