Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My new diet plan consists of watching the show "Hoarders" every time I'm hungry.

   wondering why nobody told me that half my job as mother would be smelling the crotches of things.

   "Yes" is a perfectly legitimate response when asked how many drinks I've consumed

   against recycling because it makes me look like a huge alcoholic to my garbage man.

   Some people who copy and paste jokes from other's status messages from other sites are idiots… A few seconds ago • Like • Comment

   if you're drunk and you know it hands your clap.

   Around here you don't lose your girl, you just lose your turn ..

   roses are red, violets are blue, I suck at poems.. you have nice boobs

   WHAT I HAVE LEARNED: 'Hold me closer Tony Danza' sounds better than 'Tiny Dancer'...just say'n.

   believe it or not, there's people out there that actually liked "Grease 2"

   Just killed a spider for stepping on my shoes.........#ThugLife

   I was focused on getting a beautiful brunette with a great body. Beer goggles sure do correct tunnel vision.

   Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

   Why are there so many First baptist Churches? One of those has to be second, third..........

   Why don't more hunters set up their stands at the deer crossing signs.

   Why do they have "Slow Children" Crossing so many roads.

   Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" who get's the other penny......taxes

   i wish the brightness control on my TV made the people smarter

   you know your getting old when you get out of bed and your body pops more then bubble wrap

   A womans legs are her best friends but sometimes even the best of friends must part.