Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just won the LOTTERY! Not really, just practicing...

   Vegeterian- ancient tribal name for man that can't hunt.

   America: Where children are on leashes and pit bulls roam the streets

   Just saw an advertisement for Farmville that said "Sheep breeding is here." Is there something going on in there that I should be concerned about?

   Keeping a Blockbuster card in your wallet is like carrying $100 in Confederate bills.

   I just changed all my passwords to "incorrect", so my computer reminds me every time I forget...

   Being hungover is like eating a hot pocket. It starts off well and then you spend the rest of the night in the bathroom wondering how much crap can really come out.

   This purple unicorn sitting next to me, while smoking a crack pipe, is saying that I drink too much. I told him to stop smoking crack cocaine. Stupid unicorn drug addicts.

   I have had enough, I am not here for your pleasure any longer, you encourage me to turn you on, just so you can heat me up for a few minutes. So it is over..you are being shut down,,unplugged, concider your fuse blown... God I love turning off the furnace

   Being an adult means going to the grocery store, paying a ton of money and still having nothing to eat.

   If good things come to those who wait, then I must have something ridiculously amazing coming!

   Live this day as if it is your last. And if it turns out it isn't, make a great many apologies tomorrow.

   Too often we want what we cant have... but those who suffer the most are those who don't know what they want.

   On a scale from 1 to Rebecca Black how is my singing?

   This unicorn sitting next to me is saying that I drank too much.

   life is all bout ass... you're either kissing it, behaving like it, covering it, working it off, or trying to get a piece of it.

   ( o )( o ) - oh what a nice pair of frog eyes! what were you thinking of?

   Can't wait for the Vancouver Canucks to beat Chicago in this years Stanley Cup playoffs! :)

   Dear Monday, Please don't be a snatch today. Please pass on the message to the rest of the week...Thanks

   equal pay for equal work ---> equal work for equal pay...as of 9 APR that equals zero. Until we are retroactively paid, I will retroactively work.