Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone's been sleeping in my bed, said Papa Bear. Someone's been sleeping in MY bed, said Mama Bear. Why don't you share a bed?! cried Baby Bear.

   I have benefits if anybody needs a friend.

   When life gives you a Grenade, pull the pin and toss it to your EX..

   A true friend is someone who knows the song in your heart and can sing it back to you when you have forgotten the words.

   Relationships are like fat people, most of them don't work out.

   When it comes to kicking someones ass I'm brave but when it comes to telling you how I feel I'm as weak as a toothpic

   I Liked your Status and now 25 notifications later........I'm hating me for Liking your status!

   To the redheaded guy on CSI Miami...you're not Clint Eastwood so knock it off!!!

   Non-Smoker - I hate cigarettes...!Smoker - Me too , thats why I am burning it. ! !

   I watch so many crime shows on Tv, that when I turn off the Tv set, I wipe my fingerprints 0ff the remote.

   April 19th 2011 at 8:11pm Skynet went active.

   Cold weather reminds me that I have nipples.

   That was delicious corn on the cob. If you could have seen me enjoying it you would have thought I was a corn star.

   ......and remember kids........never trust an air traffic controller

   Whiskey Tango Foxtrot

   False hope is the only thing that gets me through the day

   Some people tell me they think I may have Tourettes. I've got know idea BALLSACK what they're talking about.

   I believe there's a direct correlation as to why women who have a mustache always wear a sarong over their swimwear.

   I think Tampax should change their slogan to "From our box, to yours".

   I think Tampax should change their slogan to "From out box, to yours".