Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   sometimes feels like going up to people who have just been seated at a restaraunt and say "Just to let you know, the last person that sat here threw up on the table"...

   When I was a kid people used to cover me in cream and put a cherry on my head, it was tough being brought up in the gateau.

   Life is like a big fart........You come into the world, make a big stink, and then you just fade away!....

   It's extraordinary when a person comes in contact with a spider web or a bug lands on them, they become a Kung-Fu master.

   posing patiently with my clothes off for Google Earth to come by and take my picture...

   I do not 'get' the concept of a 'gift certificate' , first you take a piece of paper that's good EVERYWHERE,,,,

   If first you don't succeed, try try a GUN.

   I like my girls how I like my cheese: Fat free American singles

   If you ran as much as your mouth you'd be in great shape

   ‎3 facts about life: 1 You can't touch all your teeth with your tongue. 2 Your retarded cause you just tried it. 3 Now your smiling cause you're an idiot.

   Monday sure is an awful way to spend 1/7th of our life......

   I don't mean to be mean but leggings on that old dear....that wasn't a camel toe,it was a moose hoof!!!...

   You looked good until your 30 day trial of Adobe Photoshop expired

   The sexual position, more commonly known as 69 will now be known as 96. Due to the economy, it now costs more to eat out than it used to

   iTeam It's about time Apple, it's about time!

   is having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I remember forgetting this before

   How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murd.r for him? I can't even get two kids to brush their teeth.

   that akward moment when she pulls out one bigger than yours

   64 tornados in North Carolina alone. Can we turn our attention to our own for once and send money to some Americans instead of Japan?

   A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.