Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know right about now cyphing gas outta folks cars really dont sound that crazy too me

   Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

   If you can read thank a teacher. If you can read in English, thank a Marine.

   "Glory Days" by Bruce Springsteen is playing on the radio.....brings back memories of my kick ball days in elementary school, I was a beast.....I coulda been a contender!.

   The slogan for every brand of tequila should be "Tequila... because we understand that sometimes you just need to get f*cked up."

   I bumped into a guy as I was hurrying off the elevator and I go "Why am I so eager to get to work?" and we laughed and I stole his wallet.

   Let's see, which emotional issues shall I bury under deep layers of sarcasm today?

   Never let your persistence and passion turn into stubbornness and ignorance.

   A lot of sports teams are called 'The Devils'... if I had a sports team I would call it 'The Jesus Christ Almighties'

   The most impressive magic trick of all is how magicians are able to make all of their shame disappear.

   Wow I slept like an air traffic controller last night.

   A book commits suicide every time you watch Jersey shore. Post a pic of a favorite book as your profile pic in support of the many books that have lost their lives. (Note: Please do not post Twilight "books," this is serious!)RE-POST and make a difference

   Let your hopes, not your hurts, shape your future.

   And remember... if you see an onion ring... answer it.

   whenever theres a need to sign into an online acct and it asks the security question 'whats your favorite animal' I wonder how many ppl besides me answer with Liger.

   If only I had stuck with dodgeball since elementary. I could have gone pro.........

   Everyday I cry in the shower and ask myself, was that Klondike bar really worth it?

   But, officer, that school zone pulled out right in front of me!!

   Alcohol does not make you FAT....it makes you LEAN.....against tables, chairs, floors, walls, and ugly people.

   If a girl flushes a public toilet with her foot, there is probably a lot of other things she won't do.