Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's bad when I feel I need to carry a rape whistle with me when I go to the gas station!

   Drunk text etiquette: don't text anything you wouldn't say in the light of day. Nothings worse than the digital walk of shame.

   I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

   learned that smiling suppresses the gag reflex... and some people wonder why I smile so much around them

   I would rather have a cure for the common hangover than the common cold.

   Everybody's human - everybody makes mistakes. If you laugh it off and keep going and try to give it your best the next time around, people respect that.

   updated itunes, I don't think I need any tutorials on listening to music.

   I want to name my dog Stains..... so when I call for him to come inside, I can yell "Come Stains!" ......and see how many neighbors give me dirty looks.

   When the hell did I get drunk and married to Google? I can barely get a word out now before it tries to finish my sentence...

   I can't believe how much of this stuff at the self checkout is free.

   Me and my bed are in a committed relationship, I think my alarm clock is just jealous of our love.

   Born free. Now, I'm expensive.

   wondering what name do atheists call out in bed?

   I call bulls*** on killing someone with kindness... that "kindness" crap won't even maim someone.

   I was thinking of donating to the sperm bank, they pay good money actually.. I can't believe how much money I've let slip through my fingers.

   If someone says, "why do bad things happen to good people?" Tell them that only happened once in history --- and He volunteered. Happy Easter everyone.

   Did you know? When you say 'beer can" in a British accent you're also saying "bacon" in a jamaican accent.

   The fashion police can eat my white jean shorts!

   Note to the close-minded: different doesn't mean wrong, it's simply right in another way. Appreciate it, rather than punish it with naive isolation

   Man is it cold outside...just want to give a shout out to whoever invented the padded bra...THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!