Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love biting the ears and heads off chocolate Easter bunnies.

   On this day, 25 years ago, Geraldo Rivera opened Al Capone's vault. WTF is he still working?

   thinks cell phone companies need to stop pretending it's so great that you can "check Facebook right from your phone." For crying out loud people, this is 2011, I can update Facebook from my toaster!

   The Easter Bunny just left me a bunch of tiny brown chocolate eggs. Can't wait to eat them. Yummy!

   more kisses begin with Budweiser or good weed than Kay

   Antoine Dodson arrested for possession of marijuana. He should have added that to his list of things to hide...

   thinking about landscaping the back yard with fake Easter grass.

   Women are from Venus? That's bull. They're from Pluto. How else can they stand outside a club in freezing rainy weather with nothing but a mini skirt?

   don't have an affair with a puppeteer. There are strings attached...

   its always a good friday when your getting paid

   The ski racks on my car say I'm fun, adventurous, and can't figure out how to take the ski racks off my car.

   I figured out what Obama was talking about when he said there is going to be CHANGE.It's all we have left to carry in our front pocket when he is done taking his part !!!!

   I hated my first experience of skydiving. I jumped out of the plane with the other person next to me. Anyway about halfway down he said "So how long have you been an instructor?"

   Just saw Bigfoot!! Oh wait, its just the mother in law.

   I'm not a porn star, but I'll give it a try.

   It's not my birthday, but I'll take a spanking anyway.

   My doctor has diagnosed me with mild tourettes. Blast.

   My girlfriend was really as she's just won a makeover. "It's just like that show on Channel 4!" she beamed... "What, Scrapheap Challenge?".

   man, when are 'good girls' gonna start liking good guys? I'm running out of patience here!

   Note to the Easter Bunny: You're not fooling anyone with that fake grass in the basket.