Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear CNN ... NBC News .. Fox News and AP ..... I'm setting my alarm for 3am Friday, so I can wake up, remember I don't give a sh*t about the royal wedding and go back to sleep...

   God, when I said make it rain on me, what I meant was shower me with money like a stripper, not the weather

   Hide yo pot. Hide yo pipes. 'Cause they arrest'n erry body out here

   Big trucks should only be allowed to drive in one lane and we will call it the sucky driver lane

   I hate when my hairdresser tries to sell me products. I nod as if I like my hair being spiked and then when they go to ring me up they ask if I want the gel and I have to awkwardly reject them as a person.

   caught sticking sharp metal objects into the wall outlets. Now I'm gounded.

   Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else You are the one who gets burned” –Buddha

   This morning I thought i'd play a little joke on my girlfreind so I swapped her tampons with party poppers... Absolutely no sense of humour that girl.

   There are some days just aren't worth living... Wait, that sounds morbid... What I mean is Mondays suck!!!

   Ceilings were just ambitious walls.

   Trying to find your phone when its on silent is one of life`s hardest tasks.

   Can anyone find me a link to some coverage of the Royal Wedding? I wonder what's happening... [/sarcasm]

   There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

   Yesterday, Jesus, son of Mary arose from the dead. This morning... Bob, son of Joan... did not fare as well.

   by the end of this week, most women will "wake" up from that royal wedding...

   living the dream ...one fist pump at a time

   British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

   The television is not a magical device that communicates all your criticism to your favourite sports team. STOP YELLING AT IT!

   I would take a bullet for u.. Not a real one mind you. But a Coors Light for sure.

   I always Google before reading directions to anything !