Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you need to go grocery shopping when your grapes start tasting like wine

   In all fairness - now that President Obama has shown his long form birth certificate... He should demand Trump to show that his hair is real and to prove it or just finally shut up!! As he's starting to sound crazier than Charlie Sheen!! Winning

   Guys posting about the royal wedding should have their MAN CARDS revoked!!!

   Fact: If you sneak away to fart loudly in private and get caught by some innocent person walking by, you have to now hate that person.

   Women and tax forms have a lot in common…Men love to cheat on them.

   Am I sexually active? YES! I get screwed at the gas station once a WEEK!

   Good men of this country fought and died to defend my right not to care about British royalty

   Dont say good morning to me plz. I prefer a Hello!! so I can think its the late day, nite or something besides morning!

   wondering why the one country that's the most obsessed with the english royal family is the one that had a tantrum and left in 07.04.1776?

   Dear America. Since you keep whining about how you don't care about the Royal Wedding you should now have some idea how the rest of us feel about hearing about your Presidential elections every four years. Regards, The Rest of The World.

   all those people watching the "Royal Wedding" and not one dentist passing out business cards... wtf?

   Men, if you watched the Royal Wedding, your balls will only be reissued upon confirmation of beer consumption & NFL draft discussion....

   The Royal Wedding: it's like a Steve Jobs Keynote, but for girls...

   thinks everyone who got up early for the royal wedding is officially out of excuses for not exercising. See, you can find time if you want

   I'm only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I've always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.

   Kate maybe getting the Crown Jewels, but I'd much rather Harrys jewels!

   watched waterworld last nite, why was kevin costner and everyone so dirty when the entire world was covered in water?

   i dont think people enjoyed kates "train" as much as they watched her sisters "caboose"

   I started to worry about my future, so I bought a ton of stock in my company, now I worry about the work I am putting out :/

   I would just like to point out on this momentous occasion today that historically, Roalty has always been a product of inbreeding