Funny Status Messages

   My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.

   Everyone sing along! Don't stand.... don't stand.... don't stand so close to me...

   Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”

   Realtor line of the day: "Folks can you see yourself quarantined in this beautiful 4 bedroom home?

   Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.

   When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”

   The World Health Organization has reported that dogs cannot transmit COVID-19 Virus and should be released from quarantine immediately. In other words, WHO let the dogs out.

   Dear toilet paper companies I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials

   “You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.” My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing

   Homeschooling day 4: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.

   People who are quarantining in jeans: what are you trying to prove

   I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

   A man and a woman can go 21 days on Naked and Afraid with no toilet paper and you sissys can't go one day without 20 rolls.

   I can't wait to one day tell my grand kids, "When I was your age, toilet paper was everywhere! You could find all over the place, even in gas station food marts1"

   now we're talking post below.. funny post finally

   The world all of a sudden feels like a casual stroll through a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit at the end of a busy weekend.

   Check out the hypocrisy in the post below. Whines about no humorous posts, but doesn't come up with a humorous way to do it.

   not even a virus outbreak can help yall come up with good stuff

   Day #....idk....of staying home and everything is great! even though I don't know what day this is, or how many days I've been awake, or if I can eat these flowers?

   So when do we start the old people offerings to the Dow — I believe he's the brother of Zeus and Poseidon — God of the Economy & Bailout Bonuses?