Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.

   They don't have an airport. Apparently you have to be driven there

   I've been to a lot of places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito, either. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't hav

   If Osama Bin Laden had a student loan, we would have found him Sept 12.

   I Googled Fudge recipes last nite. not the rusults I was expecting.

   To quarrel with a drunk is to wrong a man who is not there.

   There is no app that can show you who is "stalking" your profile, no video of Usama getting shot, no honest politicians and no Easter Bunny. So please quit being so permiscious with your clicker and spreading FTV's (fb transmitted viruses).

   Watch your wedding video backwards, you will love the bit where you take off the ring get out of the Church and f*** off with friends

   A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas

   My wife walked into the den & asked "Whats on the tv?" I replied "Dust" .

   was sitting on the bus today opposite a stunning Thai girl, thinking don't get an erection, don't get an erection - but then she did

   Ladies remember: Being honest and direct doesn't make you a B*tch. It makes you the Realest B*tch no-one dares to mess with.

   Every woman has that ONE guy she will never lose feelings for, even if she gets married to another.

   I am never shocked or surprised when someone I trust and love backstabs or betrays me. Even the Devil was once an angel. Even Judas was once a loyal disciple.

   kya chutiyapanti chal rahi hai is site pe..

   In order to PREVENT SPAM, I ask that you DONT CLICK THE FRIGGIN LINK YOU BONEHEADED TWAT !

   When you're parents accuse you of lying to them, just look them in the eye and say; SANTA CLAUSE! EASTER BUNNY! TOOTH FAIRY!"

   The next time you're in Walmart, hide in a clothes rack and when someone is looking through the clothes come out and say "WELCOME TO NARNIA" :)

   Mess with me, I'll fight back. Mess with my friends, I'll hurt you. Mess with ones I love, and they'll never be able to identify you."

   ...remember when we were YOUNG and couldn't wait to grow up? ...WOW, what the hell were we thinking!?!?"