Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife and I do it Doggy Style , I sit up and beg and she rolls over and plays dead

   that awkward moment when two peodos both pretending to be kids arrange a meeting over facebook and then meet up

   just rescued some wine.. it was trapped in a bottle. I saved the day!

   Thongs are like barbed wire fences. They protect the property, but don't block the view.

   My pillow is about to get some head......NAPTIME!!! ;)

   No one knows the true meaning of desperation until you run over a banana peel in Mario Kart

   That moment of panic when you accidentally hurt someone else's child and the parents are in the next room

   Got "White Boy Wasted" last night..  it's only right I go see The Hangover Part II today..  :)

   i love the people who say their company is priceless!!.. to me if it lacks a price, it more likely worthless!!

   •I have an amazing ability! I find objects just before people lose them. The police, however, call it theft.

   •Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

   The funny thing about life is, it can change your worst problem into the funniest joke. It just needs time.

   If the world's a stage, maybe some of us should get off.

   That moment of panic when you clog someone else's toilet and you realize that don't have a plunger in the bathroom!!

   The question isn't "Will Sarah Palin run in 2012?", it's "Who will be President in 2014 when she quits?"..

   Its better to have a long distance relationship as phone calls are cheaper than fuel prices

   Oh, there's so much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist.

   I'm a little disappointed.. I set three boobytraps last night and didn't catch any!

   Loving my new underwear...at least somethings gripping my ass

   Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.