Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since light travels faster than sound, people appear bright until you hear them speak

   I was born intelligent - education ruined me

   NOTE: The term "Proper Sense" has now replaced the term "Common Sense" because Common Sense is NOT so common anymore!

   I've just emailed "This is a robbery!" to my online bank support. Will they just put the money in my account or do I have to wait for an email back?

   I was in Quickstop earlier and the cashier said she felt like a zombie. I stabbed her in the eye with a pen. Better safe than sorry.

   I always feel a little guilty when I swallow my multi-vitamin with beer.

   Get over here! --------------⇀ ➣➣➣➣ (O_O)

   Admit it at some point in your life you have tried to close the fridge slowly to see when the light goes out...

   Ever heard yourself sing in the shower and wondered why the f$#! you havent released an album yet??..

   ROFLSHMSFOAIDMT-Rolling On Floor Laughing So Hard My Sombrero Falls Off And I Drop My Taco...

   By the time my vacation is over my memory foam will have lost itz mind! :)

   I got a new phone Friday, it has Texas Hold 'em installed and OH MY FREAKING GOSH IS IT SUNDAY ALREADY?????

   When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking. And then I saw her face, and now I believe her...

   you didn't make it to my present or future cause i'm passed your bullsh*t

   Extreme Makeover is spinning off a new series starring Donald Trump... it's called Extreme Combover

   Kim Kardashian wants her bachelorette party to be low key, just an E! camera crew and 100 black dudes dragging their sacks across her face.

   I'm bad with stains. Does anyone know how to get fat out from under a t-shirt?

   Sean Kingston says 'somebody call 911'

   I went to an italian restaurant for lunch, but there was a fat girl at the door and I couldn't get PASTA

   I hate it when people lie, especially when you know the truth about what they are lying about.