Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?

   Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.

   Home invasion 2019 : this is awful and terrifying… OMG I can’t believe this is happening! Home invasion 2020 : ohhhh heeyyyy … so did y’all wash your hands?

   Well at least before the coronavirus I got in plenty of practice socially distancing myself thanks to facebook.

   How can the guy below refer to anyone's dumbness when he spells quarantine like that? You can't make this stuff up, folks.

   If there’s one thing this lockdown has taught me; it’s that your first breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

   Wonder how those “I’ll never spank my Children doing” parents are doing. Y’all Good ?

   If gas goes under $1.00 ima put some in the freezer.

   Has anyone got a spare ‘medically induced coma’ I can borrow ?

   Oh no! I forgot to refrigerate this German sausage! Now it's totally become a spoiled brat.

   Still haven't used a package of Willow brand toilet paper I scored as I just love the name Willow, thats like Wilson but softer, longer-lasting, more essential.

   If dispensaries don’t offer “herb side pickup”, they are really missing out on a prime opportunity.

   Let's be real, most people who signed up for Facebook didn't have a social life to begin with so staying at home should be easy.

   A Pizza is just a real-time Pie Chart showing how much Pizza is left.

   When he was told Sanders was stepping down, Joe Biden congratulated him on all that great chicken.

   Felt something cold and wet on my arm, damn mosquito used an alcohol wipe before he bit me.

   From Our CEO To Our Valued Customers Please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

   For sale slightly used daily planner.

   Think I'm starting to understand how Howard Hughes must have felt self isolating, except for I'm not staying in a luxury Las Vegas hotel, have billions of dollars or servants leaving things at my door, but other than that I think I understand how he felt.

   I’m done with my 90 Day trial of 2020! How Do I Cancel my Membership?