Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'v got a demon in me,evrything I touch goes wrong-The Hangover 2 ♥

   When visiting the plastic surgeon's office, never go for the sales rack.

   It doesn't matter where you go or what you do, if you don't check in on Facebook with your iPhone you were never really there.

   I was walking down the street and saw my Arab friend shaking a rug on his porch. I shouted out to him "What's wrong Ahmed, won't start?"

   it's very easy for a woman to impress a man. Just show up naked and bring beer.

   When will women ever learn? Never introduce your man to your hotter friend.

   lovin' this cold front of 93* its better than tha temp we been havin 103*...sincerely Alabama

   Dear Heart {♥} , Please stop getting involved in everything. Your job is to pump blood, that's it...

   Wanna make money through Facebook? Login to FB, Goto Accounts, Account Settings, Deactivate your account and Start Working!!

   the awkward moment when you find yourself typing awkward moment status updates

   Hi ho hi ho, it's off to work I go, to bust my a$$ for very little cash, hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho

   I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty confident I could win a spelling be.

   asked the dunkin donuts drive thru if the frozen hot chocolate is frozen or hot. The response was ...interesting. Try it!

   Supervisors never get sick but their employees are sick throughout half the year...

   I always feel like I make a connection with a waitress whenever they take my order

   Who goes clubbing in tight jeans with no underwear and forgets to do his fly up? I'm that guy

   Osama Binladen.. comming soon to a beach near you...

   Bring the past only if you are going to build from it.

   We all have the power to change one thing a day in our lives...besides underwear.

   Never fall for those get rich quick schemes. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.