Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I took the pledge and will not text while I am driving because it is dangerous! I may check my email, update my Facebook status, make calls, and add appointments to my calendar, but I will NEVER text while I drive. ;)

   When two confused strangers come together they call it love, and when they fully know and understand each other, they call it breakup.

   My million dollar idea: "Homework-flavored" dog food.

   Having slanted eyes suck! Cant see sh!t when I smile!

   Eventhough Mexico won, they still lost. Cause they have to go back to Mexico!

   Mexico beat us in soccer. That is bs! The government should start mass deportations asap.

   I bet the origin to the phrase, "When the sh!t hits the fan," is one heck of a story.

   Pshhhh I did not fall… The floor looked at me funny so I used my mad ninja skills to attack

   I've never seen Scarface, but I have quoted the "little friend" line at some really inappropriate times.

   When someone tells me smoking is harmful, I throw my cigarette down and say "Serious? There, I've just quit! Quick let's go warn the others!

   All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening

   If you have something to say raise your hand, and put it over your mouth.

   A beer lover is born with a beer compass within. He always knows where to find it!

   what do you call a Chinese man with a camera?....... Phil Ming

   What do you call a group of chickens? A bucket

   i do not always use internet explorer but when I do, its to download a new web browser

   My neighbor must have not paid her internet bill. I can't get on the internet.

   Just Because You Know My Name Doesn't Mean You KNOW Me

   Girls are not toys. You cant pick them up and drop them whenever you want.

   I have more friends on Facebook then I do for real