Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Monday, quit being such a ba$+ard.

   I had to make small talk with a bum at a freeway exit ramp because I couldn't roll up my window in time to ignore him

   What's the best way to keep from wrinkling? Keep fat.

   A positive to being overweight: you fill the bathtub up real quick, and save money on your water bill.

   I would shoot you, but why end your misery.

   This year I broke ties with Winter, She was pretty mad and told Summer about me. So our relationship has benn stormy and a little chilly at times.

   Actually my ex was a good cook, I have the waist to prove it, nothing else.

   A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking. A wise man tells her she looks extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

   Daily log Monday morning, 9:49am: I have decided I am done trying until Friday night, I've already been here too long this week.

   I wish instead of aiming to please, I could just start shooting to kill. I think it would make me feel better.

   photo albums become less interesting when all the hot chicks know how to use privacy settings :P

   Those people who think that a woman's place is in the kitchen obviously never had my ex-wife's cooking....

   How long before a gator eats somebody on that show called Swamp People? "Choot 'em, Clint, Choot 'em!"

   I walked passed the fridge earlier an thought I heard the BeeGees, when I opened the door it was only a chive talking.

   Spell "IHOP" and say "ness" at the end

   A little girl walk pass her parents room, look in the key hole & says to her self "AND THIS BTCH GETS MAD BECAUSE I SUCK MY THUMB.!

   called in sick today. Manager asked why? Doctor said I have Anal Blindness. Manager asked what's that? It's where I can't see my ass coming in to work today!

   dude your eyes are red are you stoned? no it's my allergies. what are you allergic to? Weed.

   You know you are drunk if you swerve to miss a tree than realize it is the air freshener hangin from your mirror

   God made your butt Crack up and down because if it were sideways when you went down a slide it would sound like this bufufufufufufufuublubufubufbufbufbuf