Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're drunk when you're at the bar. And everytime you're trying to find the bathroom feels like the first time you tried to find the bathroom

   say NO hickeys .

   I hate a liar more than a thief, a thiefs only after my salary. A liars after my reality.

   Quick...I am a nervous wreck, hand me a brush and let me paint a Bob Ross Happy Tree!!

   Going to lite that fuse on your tampon if you dont shut up

   Like a Wierd Neighbor, State farm is there

   What good is one phone call in jail if they won't let me use my cell to find the number, no one remembers phone numbers these days!

   I'd tell you to go to hell, but I damn work there, and wouldn't want to see you everyday.

   Two Lovers plan to sucide. Boy jumped first. Girl closed her eyes and return backsaying 'Love Is Blind.' Boy in air 0pen his parachute saying 'Love Never Dies to'.

   Now my friends all hate me because I've been keeping my enemies closer.

   You don't even know how many public pools you can get into for free with a bunch of sunblock on your nose and a whistle.

   I want to be elected president, learn the truth about aliens, and then resign.

   Love is never wrong...Especially when that love is between two young carefree ladies who have wandering hands and a deep curiosity for experimentation...Yea that's some real love :)

   Sarah Palin must be looking at Michele Bachmann and feeling the way the Jonas Brothers felt about Justin Bieber.

   The ice cream man has been turning his music off on our block since the day we paid with a protein-crusted sock full of corroded pennies.

   I hate that disapproving look George Washington is giving me on the $1 bill. As if to say "You're making bad choices."

   To prevent addiction, candy companies are forced to insert the yellow ones.

   I swear, it's like I'm creating FB statuses with my brother's kids or somethin'. You nerve-wrackin' sons-a-b!tches.

   (tune of row your boat) Roll roll roll your joint, twist it at the end. Spark it up and take a hit, pass it to a friend!

   Why does a hooker make more money than a drug dealer? She can wash her crack and re-sell it!