Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Anger is an emotion for people who wish to control others while simultaneously failing to control themselves.

   How you douche bags feel knowing you're disposable ?

   Hey brain, tell the idiot that Carona is not a screw top!! Signed, the skin between the thumb and fore finger.

   Dear Facebook. My friends know when I change my profile picture.. Signed, Everyone on the planet

   in the $2 shop the other day and the checkout girl called for a price check on an item without a price sticker !

   i wonder if bus drivers stop at bus stops when they drive their own cars??

   Happy 235th to United States and happy 12th or whatever to Alaska and Hawaii.

   I only do things the voices in my wife's head tell her to tell me to do.

   NO Katy Perry, I have NEVER felt like a plastic bag!

   In the car: Are we insane yet? Are we insane yet? ....

   Planking: Pretending to be a beached whale in places you wouldn't find a beached whale

   I don't care what people think of me. It can't be half as bad as what I think of them...

   Amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic.

   if you're the type of neighbor that likes to scream and yell till 3am, then I'll be the type of neighbor to mow at 6am!

   how do you turn your dishwasher into a bobcat,,, give your wife a shovel

   Like the egg said to the boiling water...It's going to take me a few minutes to get hard, I just got laid last night. Cluck cluck cluck cluck.

   No matter how hot you think you look , a public restroom self taken picture makes you very unattractive.

   Next time a mosquito bites me, I am not going to itch it and give him very low self esteem.

   In the news today: Prince Harry is dating his cousin!! I also would be dammned first before I let anyone else date my cousin if she was that good looking.

   Prince Harry is dating his cousin? Aren't we all "distant cousins" in some sense?