Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   tiger woods favorite song is "Black and Yellow" cause he is half black and asian

   I don't mind if you play hard to get, as long as you don't play hard to get rid of.

   In hindsight, saying "goochie goochie goo" while tickling my girlfriend's clitoris was probably a bad idea.

   This morning a girl on my friends list wrote as her Facebook status "F*CKING PHONE!!!" I'll admit now that asking "Can I watch?" was not really my smartest choice.

   How many blondes does it take to change a diaper? I don't f*ckin' know ask Hugh Hefner

   I heard they're going to be opening up dentist offices in Walmart. They are even including an express lane for people with 15 teeth or less!

   Sometimes it takes a friend to tell you to get your head out of your ass, here's to you my friend!

   My colleague just told me that her grandmother or cat or something just died... the booger in her nose was so huge I couldn't focus.

   I just saw a woman in a pair of Daisy Dukes. Unfortunately, she looked like Boss Hogg.

   If I call Customer Service, and they say, “This call is being recorded for training purposes,” I make sure to say “motherf*cker” a lot. I'm sure they don't get enough training on that.

   It's weird how a crazy white woman gets away with murder and we STILL don't know who killed Tupac o.O

   Natalie Portman has named her newborn son Alef. Like the kid wasn't going to get beaten up enough for mom helping to ruin Star Wars.

   The one thing I'm taking away from The whole Casey Anthony verdict debacle is the fact that Facebook and Twitter are the modern day equivalent of pitchforks and torches.

   If Casey Anthony writes a book called "If I did it", I will snap.

   Money can't buy you happiness but I'd rather be unhappy and in a Bentley

   My favorite part of a marathon is watching the reaction of runners who grab my plastic cup of vodka.

   the art of being wise is the art of knowing what to overlook!!!

   misses being naked and playing twister with the cat.

   just told my kids about the Casey Anthiny verdict and that if they didn't shape up I was moving the family to Florida

   Some girl in China lost her virginity at 12, her name was 'SUM YUNG HO'