Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I wish I could commute by roller coaster.

   Dear lady at the McDonald's Drive-through... Why are you taking so long to order? It is McDonald's, the menu hasn't changed in 30 years... and judging by the way your poor little Honda is leaning to one side - I bet you have been here NUMEROUS times.

   Forrest Gump taught us a strange life lesson: Be completely unaware of all success you've achieved and you'll own 50% of a billion dollar shrimpin' company.

   The LA Dodgers are so broke, three players tested positive for Top Ramen

   Casey Anthony places a call to 911 in fear of her life..... Dispatcher: What is your emergency? CA: Please help me, I have a bunch of people trying to kill me. Dispatcher: Okay Miss Anthony, try to stay calm, an officer will be there in 31 days

   Using a coupon is kind of like playing with your pen!s... At first you're embarrassed... but once the cashier has it in her hand... it's all worth while.

   My curiosity and common sense are arguing again.

   Cop: "Do you know why I stopped you?" Me: "Because... you caught up to me."

   Sometimes it feels like the world is a giant bird and I'm just a freshly washed car.

   Sometimes a lil weed is all you need.

   the girl told me she loves baby showers so I jizzed on her face totally misunderstood

   People who don't know what they want should not use the drive thru!

   + me on Google+, friend me on Facebook, follow me on Twitter, connect with me on LinkedIn, but whatever you do --- do not talk to me in person.

   It doesn't matter how much you shout and yell at appliances they never listen to you!!!!

   My Karma Ran Over Your Dogma

   Someone asked me for my mobile number today, l don't know, I never call myself

   I had a real shot of becoming famous and getting my own episode on Hoarders, But then my Wife cleaned up after me.

   You dont have to be a mule to be an ass

   What do you call an Indian man that travels a lot?...........Bindair Dundat

   I feel bad for people who didn't party in college and got D's... what a waste.