Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My friend accused me of gossiping. I took offense because I've heard from several sources that she is the one that gossips.

   A man was arrested after he broke into a sex shop & used a blow-up doll. He was chrgd with breaking & entering & entering.

   Certain things which are crucial to a given activity will show up with uncommon regularity until the day when that activity is planned, at which point the thing in question will disappear from the face of the earth.

   Why are you tryin so hard to fit in when you are born to stand out

   Love is in the air...and i'm wearing a gas mask.

   You may be worthless to one person, but priceless to another. You just have to be smart enough to differentiate between the two.

   I do my best proofreading right after I hit send

   Casey Anthony turned up missing after being released from jail....Florida police plan on sending officers to investigate it----In 31 days.

   If you don't have a Facebook account, all your high school friends just assume you died.

   When I was a kid, I used to think that the moon followed my car

   Ahhh.. Time for bed. The only time where I don't worry about anything other than total relaxation.. Pffff.. Jk I lay their for 30 mins then masturbate.

   The people who deserve nothing, are handed everything.

   If Miley Cyrus trips and falls, is it considered a hoedown?

   Everyone has the capacity to learn from their mistakes. I learned a lot today.

   All you need is a sick mind and a healthy body.

   I don't know if I'm a player. Ask one of my girlfriends.

   Owning a Blackberry is saying that you can afford a nice cell phone, but not quite wealthy enough for an Android/smart phone.

   A man hit my fender the other day and I said unto him, 'Be fruitful and multiply.' But not in those words.

   Some days even my lucky rocketship underpants won't help

   Panties aren't a mans best friend, but they are next to it.