Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you smoke weed, it reveals you to yourself.

   Ladies, easy way to tell if a guy is married? Look into his eyes, if there is any sign of life left, he's single.

   Okay, I've had it with real life, give me my fairy godmother, my prince, and my happily ever after endings.

   Have you seen the new Friendster? You can now log in using your Facebook account! Like WTF? Hahaha!

   You know what infuriates me? Trying to grab the end of masking tape with my half chewed fingernails, after it has reattached itself to it's body. You know what infuriates me even more? Watching someone else do it.

   it's so hot out today that the squirrels are wearing oven mitts to hold their own nuts.

   The space bar means everything... Its the difference bewteen "She gave me herpies" & "She gave me her pies." One's more delicious

   I taught myself how to drive by playing GTA San Andreas! THUG LIFE

   I like to wear a parachute on airplanes and act smug during turbulence.

   It's so hot in MY town, gangs are doing drive-bys with squirt guns!

   I'm canadian and I want to say to America, Hey I love you guys, but seriously, you gotta take Jersey Shore off the air! You guys work on that and we'll see what we can do about Nickleback and Justin Beiber.

   My youngest turns 13 in a couple of weeks, which means I'll have three teenagers in the house. I can only assume that qualifies me for some sort of federal disaster relief funding.

   It's so hot that I have found out (the hard way) that my seat belt buckle could be used as a branding iron.

   "Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not JUST an effective fire safety technique, but also a very memorable way of getting out of a boring conversation. :P

   Choose your friends by their character and your socks by their color. Choosing your socks by their character makes no sense, and choosing your friends by their color is unthinkable.

   It's so hot I just saw two trees fighting over a dog

   I got some new underwear the other day. Well.... new to me

   Talking faster and repeating louder your very weak argument does not help you. It makes you appear more like a toddler. And a whiny one at that

   Today's best euphemism for self gratification: Buttering your corn.

   Want to feel old? Kim Carnes of Bette Davis eyes fame turns 65 today.