Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Took off all the straws on my kids Capri Suns and threw them out the window on my way to work.....THUG LIFE!!

   The love you can't have lasts the longest...feels the strongest...and hurts the most.

   Apparently I have "Sucker" written across my forehead that only women can see...well played XX chromosome, well played indeed...

   Confucius says, It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl.

   dont you hate it when you grab the last Capri Sun pouch and theres no straw to attached it with

   Wow! You breathe oxygen too? Guess we have a lot in common.

   Take photos of friends with their face squished against glass. Assign to your phone contacts, it'll look like they're trapped inside your phone.

   Note to self; don't take a nap with worlds wildest police chases on.....you get some CRAZY dreams!

   Please copy and paste this as your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone that may know someone who knows anyone. If you don't know anyone, or even if you've heard of anyone who doesn't know anyone that doesn't know someone

   There's a move to divide California into two states: The state of poverty and the state of bankruptcy.

   the New Facebook Chat! You have friends Online.. But you have to guess who more then half of them are!"

   Dear Android developers,Could you please stop making new phones for just a little while not too long but just a little while so I can experience contentment with the phone that I have ..ps I cannot afford to buy every phone you make.

   You seem to resemble a feminine hygiene product one might typically use on a summers eve...and the bag it came in.....just sayin!!

   Always remember to speak clearly when complimenting a woman's boots...

   thank you, tapout for clearly showing the world who the douches are...

   If only I could figure out a way to fall asleep at work without anybody noticing. That would definitely be one of my top achievements in life!

   Wal Mart is a scary place after dark

   Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade's gonna suck!

   Message to Scotland Yard Canteen Manager: Please wear a suit to work tomorrow, as you are now their highest ranking employee.

   I married my wife for her looks, just not the ones she has been giving me lately