Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I have this recurring dream where I'm locked up in a room with all the people I've ever offended in my entire life and they are all glaring at me and I think, Great! I get to make fun of all you losers at once.

   I test my jokes on my dog, if he wags his tail - they make the cut.

   August 2: the date when the federal government is forecast to hit the debt limit and see all new loans cut off. Falls during "Simplify Your Life Week." Really?

   wishes all the mourners outside Amy Winehouse's home would please form a line? After all it's what she would've wanted.

   Be careful about the type of relationship you get yourself into. Don't be what they need, be what they want. There is a huge difference.

   Dear girl at the bar with the smokin body, long tan legs and amazing knockers, your face looks like a man so I bet you get it from behind a lot. #KeepinItReal

   Some people run marathons, I watch them on my couch. Indiana Jones on Syfy!!!

   If days of the week were people, Mondays would be gingers

   Coming home from work today, I just saw a guy sitting in a rowbaot in his front yard in the rain with a case of budligtht. Even though I've never met him, I'm convinced that he's good people

   Way to sully the Forever 27 club Amy Winehouse. I hope Kurt, Jimmy, and Jim Morrison run train on your skanky ass

   #AmyWinehouse Cremated...emergency response team called during cremation the crowd outside heard a huge explosion and started to smell Crack

   A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

   Tapping melons with your knuckles is a good way of making your selection in the store, but apparently it's frowned upon at the strip club.

   I read a story Thursday about things you shouldn't buy used, such as child car seats, plasma TVs and vacuum cleaners. Good advice, but condoms and toilet paper would have been at the top of my list.

   The latest breakthrough in single-ply toilet paper ? My index finger.

   Today, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.

   Censorship reflects society's lack of confidence in itself.

   sometimes Captain America has to call Captain Canada for help, like if he needs to convert miles into kilometers.

   Ok my Guardian Angel, if you're out there, and if you're listening.. Please listen to this one: "I want to keep her, for life"

   I believe the stud finder is the most self-esteem raising carpentry tool