Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "I looooove him, I caaaaan't live without him, he is my life" No you don't, your 23, and you met him 6 days ago. Take your damn dramatic a$$ off FB somewhere else.

   I put the "fun" in insufficient funds.

   Pinata or not ,I'm surprised Mary Lou Retton didn't stick the landing.

   I have found, through my extensive research, that you apparently have to be missing teeth in order to witness a Bigfoot or UFO sighting.

   I like going to mcdonalds and ordering a egg mcmuffin and a mcchicken just to see what comes first.

   There's 2 things I hate 1 when people repeat themselves and 2 when people repeat themselves.

   I like to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I'll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up.. Baffle 'em with BS!! ;-)

   This is a RAKE & SHOVEL conversation. No HOES allowed! :)

   heard that Amy Winehouse didn't do any drugs today. Good for her!

   Ya KNOW your getting old when you come across one of those soft porn flicks while flipping thru the satellite channels late at night and all ya think is "Geez that bed looks comfortabl

   I've recently come to realize that pajamas with pockets is the greatest invention EVER! They make it SOOO much easier to hide the stuff I steal when I visit my local Wal-Mart store...

   ....where are all the cabbage patch parents?

   You know what I've noticed? I've never seen a pregnant Chinese lady. O_o

   Sick of girls saying all guys are the same we aren't they just always go for the same kinda guy.......

   A little slower please, pedestrian crossing the street. I don't really like making the green light anyway.

   Do I turn left where nothing is right? Or do I turn right where nothing is left?..

   My wife's filthy habbits disgust me, just yesterday I went to piss in the sink and it was still full of dirty dishes.

   When the angels ask what I loved most about life, I'll say you.

   Life is like soup, only the hot ones get blown.

   Just scratched 2+2=5 on the back bumper of a smart car.