Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Saw this guy drowning so I threw him a life saver. His last words were, "what is this.. candy?"

   Some smartphone you turned out to be. You should have known better than to let me call my damn Ex.

   You're really not as bad as people say. You're much, much worse.

   Just owning the Washington Redskins was his first stupid mistake.

   If I'm going to go to the trouble of wishing your sorry, unknown, only 87 friends a$$ a happy birthday, the least you could do is acknowledge it with a "like".

   David Guetta, "all the crazy sh** I did tonight those will be the best memories". So, will they?!

   The beat you hear outside the club sounds very similar to the sound a cat makes before throwing up.

   I just laugh at all the things that say they are 3-D ready. Alchol has been 3-D ready for 200 years!

   If you don't normally send me regular texts and/or you don't respond to my regular text than DO NOT send me those idiotic Fwd texts!!

   Some times I like to take my kids down to the car lot and show them the nice Aston Martin V12 Vantage I'd be driving if they had never been born.

   So did all those kids that had the skate or die t shirts in the 90s die?

   So you say Red Bull just isn't enough kick for you anymore. How about I set you on fire? That will get you up and moving. For a bit anyway.

   I feel a disturbance in the Force. Something tells me that Dan Snyder, owner of the Washington Redskins is about to do something stupid.

   Obama is losing support from his own party. In fact Jimmy Carter just compared him to Jimmy Carter.

   Persistenc​e • 1 yes is worth 100 no's!

   I think these news stations are missing the boat with these marathon storm tracking sessions. They need to sell advertising! "This Tornado warning is brought to you by Glad Trash Bags. Glad...when you have to clean debris the next morning, don't get mad..

   I imagine rolling around in money feels a lot better when it's not coins

   I'm no binge drinker. Binge drinking is defined as having 5 or more drinks at 1 sitting. I usually have my 4th and 5th lying on the floor.

   I've got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.

   I noticed the car in front of me had a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus." So I honked at him and waved. He then decided to give me the "bird."