Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They say that life's a dream… well call this insomnia

   4 words to ruin any meal: Fred and Ethel porn

   If you're using your girlfriend or boyfriends name as your password, can I punch you? Or would that make you more stupid?

   The world judges me by the decisions I make… but it never see the options I had to choose from

   GRUMPY OLD MAN "You need to pick up after your dog!!" ME "It's pee! If you want to grab a straw and suck it up… be my guest"

   21 Minutes of battery life left. "That's enough time for me to finish what I am doing" 6 Minutes Later: Laptop Shuts Down "You piece of sh*t! You lied to me!"

   The best things in life aren't free, they're 16 bucks a case and either 60 bucks at the cat house or the cost of room and board at home.

   “Final Destination 5" well, looks like someone needs to look up the meaning of the word "FINAL"

   Seriously, it's 2011, can we please get some waterproof phones? I would like to text in the shower.

   It's funny how in pre-school, siting boy-girl-boy-girl used to be a punishment.

   Life and Wife are two words that rhyme, but if you have one, you can't have the other!

   Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with your wife.

   All I ask of Thee, Lord, is to be a drinker and fornicator, an unbeliever and a sodomite and then to die.

   So damn bored and sleepy at work. Sunday should be national holiday for everyone period. The only places needs to stay open should be Walmart and the clubs.

   Smartphones & PC's... iPhones are as popular as Windows PC's and Androids are as popular as Apple MAC's... Technological Karma :s

   If you don't like my driving, stay off the sidewalk!

   I think the Eagles would sign Casey Anthony to a contract if they could......

   I miss those 16.9 oz glass soda bottles this time of year.

   I have seen a lot of women post on their Facebook about how they are missing their men, but I am yet to see a guy update his status about how much he is missing his woman. So my question is which men are these women missing?

   Wanted: Friend with benefit. I'm not selfish, you don't even have to enjoy it!