Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Note to U.S. Politicians: You can't borrow yourself out of debt, no one can. It's like you're trying to drink yourself sober.

   My attention has no span.

   Drinks at the bar should be served in capri sun-like pouches, and if you can't get the straw in then they cut you off.

   They say you're only as old as you feel, so I must be kinda-drunk-and-a-little-hungry years old.

   Watching the x games, live on the toilet on espn, on my iphone... The future is here ppl

   Say "no" to drugs. If drugs are talking to you, you've already had too many.

   You think you're pretty smart until you have to figure out how to turn on someone else's shower.

   I can't believe Charmin Bathroom Tissue. I shared with them a great marketing slogan, and they rejected it: "Just like the Starship Enterprise, Charmin circles Uranus in search of Klingons."

   Don't you just hate it when 9 year olds have a better phone than you.. it's like, who are you gonna call kid? Elmo??

   If Rap music ever takes off in North Korea, I'll bet there's gonna be a big scramble for the name "Run DMZ".

   Someone said that I need to look at the world from a woman's point of view, so I looked out the kitchen window.

   Some women are wound up tighter than the girdle of a Baptist minister's wife at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast.

   Based on recent observation, I honestly believe that (insert state name) is a breeding ground for Land Manatees. :-/

   the only thing stronger than a mother's love is a garlic breath.

   that weired feeling when a kid just walks up to you and says the one word s/he knows..."dadda"!

   A woman recently changed her FB status to "got my periods" 20 guys liked it and 30 commented "thank God"

   Stuck between Yeah! I have a job and Crap I have to go to work!

   Children grow up so fast. One day they're taking their 1st steps, the next they're taken away after a judge rules you're a negligent parent.

   Sometimes you have to tell yourself "This the worst idea ever!" and then do it anyways.

   They should make Harry Potter brand condoms Protect your slytherin from hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets.