Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If aliens ever land on earth and demand to see our leader, our best chance of survival is to bring them to Lady Gaga.

   NEVER take fashion advice from someone who wears CROCS!!!

   My couple friends just keep me around so that when they fight they can refer to me to remind them how awful & lonely it is to be single.

   Tonight is a Jim Croce night. I most definitely will be spending some time in a bottle!

   The lil bro said he heard a noise in his closet so he wanted me too do a monster check just to make sure...So I did even tho I tried to explain that if the monster is in the closet hes probably not that scary...maybe a lil glittery...but not scary

   You know when you are about to say something but that little voice of reason prevents you from it. Explain this to me, people like you fascinate me.

   This lady with a black eye keeps trying to talk to me. But I'm not going to respond because it's pretty apparent she doesn't listen.

   Shark Week. I'd rather watch Loan Shark Week. That would be interesting to watch, and probably just as badass.

   They're remaking Mr. Rogers with a animated tiger? o:

   To all the big a$$ fancy truck owners, have you ever notice how much you can save but just staying at home?!

   " I think Randy Moss will stay retired" -Brett Favre

   It seems what America should really be having is loan shark week.

   MTV is 30 today, which is the same age the '16 And Pregnant' girls will be when they first become grandmothers.

   he thought he a chigger bite on his leg. I had to correct him and tell him they prefer to be called chegros now......

   Have you ever notice that Frances' police car sirens sound like gay guys have a threesome xD

   Real conversation I just heard ::: "oh hey grill how you doin'?!" -- "good, you" -- " good, where you working at now?" -- "oh, you know 'no where!'" --- "oh girl, dats the best job to have."

   The toughest activity of a week starts right from Monday morning....its called "Waking Up"

   Did you ever see one of them chicks who looked like they put all their make up on a dirty concrete floor and just dove face 1st into it?

   If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be world peace for at least 4 hours but a food shortage after..LOL

   Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch.