Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I test girls by sending a text that says "I can't find my phone can you call it?" if she calls, its not gonna work out

   My ex hates my new girlfriend, but I mean, its not like she ever got along with her mom anyway.

   Why is it when deer decide to commit suicide they always choose my car as the weapon of choice!? :/

   I'm not into any sports. But I'll watch women's beach volleyball​ if it's on

   I'm trying to rule the world, you want to own a lot of shoes. We're not on the same playing field.

   Just killed a bug with a bible...not sure what happens now.

   I didn't get fired, I just got demoted to customer.

   You were on my good side, until you told me that you believe Elvis is still alive.

   Dear Budget Models; the bathroom is for sh*tting, pissing and showering, not for photo shoots

   when you r I'll suddenly everyone around you is a doctor

   I hate Costco and its costconians on the weekend. Is it really that difficult to move aside while trying to devour your 27th sample? It is not like you're trying to balance fine China on a stick, you're putting a cheese square into yo

   Did you know that you can't tap your thumb knuckle against your bottom teeth with your eyes closed over 16 times without getting dizzy?

   If you wear a "come at me bro" shirt, I'm coming at you. If you wear a "free hugs" shirt, I'm grabbing you and spinning you around. If you don't like a stranger doing this maybe you shouldn't falsely advertise.

   I can rise or shine...take your pick.

   Do you have a weakness? Cupcakes... and porn..Not at the same time! I need a free hand.

   Dear Stalker: Stop looking in my windows or I'll flash you......and believe me....it's not pretty!!!

   Don't worry, one day you and everyone you know will be dead. Have a nice day! :)

   i heard tim pawlenty has pulled out of the GOP race. Well I guess he can now finally go back to his regular job as being nicholas cages stunt double. oh wait hes jobless too...my bad

   I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

   Once again, its time for me to break my foot off in your 'John-Browne Hine-Parts'. (Not sure what that means...heard it in 'Remember the Titans'....it sounds scary tho!!!)