Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I refuse to go bungee jumping...I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.

   To steal from one is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

   Faithful and trust worthy partners are like a thong on a fat girl…so hard to find.

   forget the london roits , the main story I'm interested in is USA man killed by flying cow .... How did it get its pilot license?

   My son asked me why Piggly Wiggly sells bacon. He said, "Isn't that like them selling their soul?"

   Lets take a minute of silence for the people of Syria who, without outside help or becoming a burden on any country's economy or taxpayers, are fighting bare hand for their freedom. We are with you in spirit.

   heard that the Roswell aliens are not happy that America took one of their ships for a joyride and crashed it into the Pacific.

   Apparently, screaming "It's my money and I need it now!" out the window only goes over well in the commercials.

   When you steal a woman from another man in the middle of their relationship, don't be surprise tomorrow when someone else steals her from you coz she has already proven that she is steal-able.

   Every time I'm in a hotel and I pass by a room with a "DO NOT DISTURB" sign, I always assume that the people inside are banging the hell out of each other.

   You know it's going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with… “Are you sitting down?”

   I see you're playing stupid. Looks like you're winning too.

   Watch out! It's quite possible some of my best mistakes haven't been made yet.

   After 10 Dos Equis beers, I think I'm the most interesting man in the world.

   Thanks Sesame Street for telling us Bert & Ernie are not gay, but I'd like to hear it directly from Bert & Ernie.

   Good guys are like a thong on a fat girl....hard to find :)

   DVD Piracy Ad: 'You wouldn't steal a television' - Recent evidence suggests otherwise.

   I forget to renew my AVG anti-virus subscription and then next thing I know I've got a cold....well played, AVG, well played....

   I got to thinking about when Hugh Hefner who is 85 was dating that girl who was 25......That would be like me dating a girl who would not be born for another eight years.

   Jani Lane, lead singer of Warrant found dead. Cause of death unknown at news time but witnesses report heavy cherry smell in the air. Guess heaven wasn't too far away.