Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I saw a homeless guy holding a sign that said "Bet you cant hit me with a quarter!" I bet he didn't expect me to use a sling shot.

   Research shows that 80% of men don't know how to use condoms. These men are called DADS.

   All women are beautiful........UNTIL you enlarge their profile picture.

   People always say to me "Oh your a Male Nurse". My professions the ONLY one with a need to identify gender. Ya never hear "A Male Mailman handles my Mail". How would a Cop react if after pulling you over said smiling "Ooooh a MALE policeman!"

   If you have to make airplane noises to put your d*ck in your Girlfriends mouth..She is TOO young!

   "I'm laying by the pool. Better take a picture of my legs and post it on the internet." - Girls

   Men should always wear condoms because women carry diseases like emotions and pregnancy.

   Her make up make me wanna call her RACCOON.

   If I dont respond after 3 texts, get the hint.

   People worth dating are nearly impossible to come by.

   You always remember your first crush. Mine was Orange.

   Don't underestimate me. That's my family's job.

   I haven't been ignoring you. I've been prioritizing you.

   Sometimes Karma does not even want to get involved, it just wants to sit and watch because it knows, sooner or later, they are bound to screw up all by themselves.

   Why are Gay people so sensitive? If you can take a d*ck, surely you can take a joke..

   Trying to write a country song. What rhymes with, My dog drank all my beer and my wife left me?

   The 6 LEAST POPULAR Nursing Home Games:6 Simon says Something Incoherent 5.Pin the Toupee on Baldy 4. Hide and Go Pee 3. Musical Dentures 2. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over 1 And of course Kick the Bucket.

   GHETTO word of the day:CHINO, Chino like it when I spend my whole paycheck on beer

   taken what I can get.. But I am not settling for anything less than what I want..

   TLC has announced that Kate +8 has been cancelled and has been replaced with a new show Casey -1.