Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why do meteorologists try and educate me on the workings of mother nature?  Dude, just tell me pants or shorts tomorrow...

   If Facebook ever starts showing how many times a person has visited someone's profile, a lot of people are going to have some explaining to do.

   It's a good thing the Giants are not playing the Jets this Sunday. Remember, the Giants lost last time they met.

   Why would you want to be reminded of how 9/11 was. That was a horrific day that I would prefer not to be reminded of.

   Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile smugly at my sparkling wit.

   Sorting out your Facebook friends list? Change the date of your birthday and anyone who wishes you happy birthday, delete!

   Life's cruel when you think it is, life's happy when you feel it is, and life's best when you enjoy it as it is.

   I hate when a singer I can't stand comes out with a song that is UNLIKE them and I like it and don't even realize it is them. Then someone tells me who it is and it ruins the song for me.

   never understood people watching a football game wearing their team jersey. Thats like me watching CSI dressed as a dead hooker.

   why is there always, that one person in the group that wants to be a kiss ass! The one, when someone ask "is there any questions" (2 min before its time to go) they wanna ask a question. In your mind all you thinking is "this biotch"!

   I found a new app for my smart phone, Its called Dumbass. Its supposed to alert me when after I've been drinking and I'm about to send a text.... It says hay Dumbass, are you really sure you want to send this...?

   If Wesley Snipes had paid his taxes our country wouldn't be in this position.....

   My romantic poem to the wife...."Roses are red and violets are blue. Lay on the bed and I will eat you!

   Some people around me are alive because I can't afford a hitman....!

   Drinking game for the Presidents speech: Drink every time he says jobs and economy.

   I swear there are like 5 dudes in this town running around just making babies...In about 15 years this is gonna be a strange ass place if half the kids are related too each other...

   wonders how many of my knuckle children had the potential to be a doctor, president, or one day cure cancer.

   To the lady who ready my palm at the county fair in the summer of '99. The one who told me I would be married, have two kids, and own a business when I got older. I wish my divorced $7.76/hr ass could talk to you again!!

   I stick to the script, I memorize the lines Cause life is a movie that I've seen too many times

   When people walk away I check to make sure my phone is still there.