Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Funny how they call it common sense when it seems so rare.

   I remember September 11th like it was only yesterday.

   Just saw a baby with a shirt that said, not everything stays in Vegas.

   Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children

   The cops knocked on my door today & told me that my dog attacked a man on a bike. I told them to quit lying. My dog don't own a bike!

   If your going to hit my car with your door, then stare at me like ur mind me..and I ask you if you have a problem, man up and don't walk away..Stupid 90 year old lady in a wheelchair with oxygen tanks...

   Sometimes you have to walk through a field of weeds to find the perfect marijuana.

   "Common sense..its in high demand... And short supply"

   People who walk in front of the theatre screen while you're watching a pirated movie on your computer are so rude.

   Am I weird because, I'm just sitting in my boat drinking a beer? Oh I forgot to mention the boat is in the driveway.

   Just washed down a multi vitamin with a corona.

   I dont need anger management classes. You need STFU classes

   ive heard the old saying that "opportunity is just around the corner" but sometimes a hooker is around that corner so is the hooker your opportunity?

   God grant me the strenghth not to throat punch anyone taday, Amen!

   I don't care how healthy you say it is, a shot of wheatgrass is what giving Swamp Thing a bl*wjob would taste like.

   You know how we smack your household appliances when they're malfunctioning and it makes them work? I wish you could do that with people.

   The NFL post game show is the male version of The View.

   "Surprise, surprise, surprise!" - Gomer Pyle, World's Worst Ninja

   I hate people who speak for other people, and so do you.

   What are you doing here? Was there a jailbreak at the zoo?