Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

   The only graceful way to accept an insult is to ignore it, if you can't ignore it, top it. If you can't top it, laugh at it. If you can't laugh at it, it's probably deserved.

   My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

   I'm still waiting for my chance to shout "UNHAND me you fools!!" as security escorts me off the premises.

   My father was right up there with Einstein in the Science department...She taught me all about TIME TRAVEL "If you don't behave, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week."

   A COMPLICATED RELATIONSHIP is born when the KING of mixed signals hooks up with the QUEEN of second thoughts.

   Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain but it takes character and self control to be understanding and forgiving.

   In memory of 9/11 I am teaching my kids the pledge of allegiance like everyone was taught when I was a kid

   Amazingly after a dozen bottles of Dos Equis EVERY man thinks he is the "Most Interesting Man in the World."

   I'm tired of wasting time on people who won't waste any time on me.

   I'm amazed at how much I reminisce about you, especially when I'm dropping a load.

   I don 't care what you believe or how you feel. F**k terrorists and f**k the people who hate us. I am glad Hussein is dead and glad Bin Laden is Dead. God bless America.

   A teenager is always lazy to hold a pencil and write but never too lazy to hold a cell phone and type..

   You may think I'm a loser, but to my goldfich, I'm the god of flakes.

   When I say "I won't tell anyone", my best friend doesn't count.

   Face your damn problems. Don't Facebook your problems.

   The biggest lie on Facebook: 'status offline'

   The only obstacle to following my dreams is the alarm clock...

   I Like that you Like what I Liked before I Liked it. Can we be friends?

   Don't type to me in THAT tone of voice!