Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got my heart broken recently...makes me wanna crack their skull....afterall fair is fair....right?

   to the person who wrote they dont want 2 B reminded of 911 cuz it was a horrifuc day,well so is your birthday ! JERK !

   If my computer had a neck id punch it in the neck!

   When I don't need it, I find it. When I need it, I can't find it! I guess I don't need it...

   lol, Any of you morons ever hear of snopes? Stop hating on Pepsi....

   Wow Pepsi didnt put "Under God" on their new Pledge of Allegiance Can. They don't want to offend any one with the phrase. Well Pepsi I promise not to give you any coins or bills with "In God We Trust" on them. I dont want to offend you or anything.

   The GOP's answer to Obamacare-Call us when you are shovel ready.

   A history of 9/11 this weekend. I'll be watching. Peace: the ultimate want. If everyone would bend, we'd have this... CJ

   before the letters FDNY became a fashion statement on hats, it was worn on the back of brave dudes with mustaches, NEVER FORGET

   I attend wedding simply to hear them two beautiful words that bring so many happy people together...."open bar"

   I remember 9 months before I was born I went to a party with dad and left with mom.

   I hope these "reduced guilt" brownies help me get over that hobo I murdered

   I have a reoccurring nightmare that I am startled by bank robbers who shout "EVERYBODY GET DOWN!" and I get shot in the face for dancing.

   4 out of 5 bubble baths result in Santa Claus beards.

   I'm sorry I ran over your dog but in my defense I was texting! You're being awfully judgemental for a blind man

   "Porn stash" sounds too seedy. I prefer to call it my "Guybrary."

   ☐ Single ☐ Taken ☑ I will die alone with 73 cats

   I am tired of reading other peoples' fairytales; it's time for me to start writing my own.

   When I don't need it, I find it. When I need it, I can't find it.

   Somebody needs to invent a mirror that takes pictures.