Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just burped a raptor call..

   ¡¡¡ ʎɐʍʎuɐ ʎɐpɥʇɹıq ʎddɐɥ llǝʍ ˙pǝxıɟ ɹǝʇndɯoɔ ʎɯ ʇǝƃ ɐʇʇoƃ ı ʍou ʇnq ʇuǝsǝɹd ɐ noʎ ʇǝƃ oʇ ʎǝuoɯ ɐɹʇxǝ ǝɯos pɐɥ ı ˙ʎppnq ʎɹɹos

   God-damnit, you are giving me attitude, stress, grief, heartache and you are not even my girlfriend.

   "This is your status update.sƃnɹp uo ǝʇɐpdn snʇɐʇs ɹnoʎ sı sıɥʇ. Any questions?"- Nancy Reagan

   Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?

   I thank, therefore you're welcome.

   The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.

   Tired apostrophes risk falling into a comma.

   Poodles aren't as absorbent as they look.

   sure I can see the glass as half full,,,of crap!

   Even my pet rock has followers on Twitter proving that Twitter is for retards.

   3 Tampons are walking down the street, Maxi, Slim, and Ultra. Which one says "Hello"? None, they're all stuck up c**ts!!!

   Never laugh at your wife's choices. You are one of them !!

   No matter what I do, I cannot get any kudos from my girlfriend. If I walked on water she'd say, "What, you can't swim?"

   The only thing I don't like about fat is that it doesn't have any sugar in it.

   I am not looking for a Princess, I am just waiting for a woman who thinks I am a prince.

   Attention womanizer! Myspace is the best place to hide your secret from your love ones!

   When a guy opens the door of his car for a girl, you can be sure of one thing, either the girl is new or the car is.

   My girl told me she was miserable in our relationship. She said she lost 10 lbs. I asked her if it was over and she said, "Not yet, I want to lose 15."

   I like dressing in a red polo shirt then going to Target & being rude to costumers