Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do me a favour; make up your mind, before you mess with mine.

   Money can't buy love; you are just paying for their attention and time.

   If you can't handle haters then you can't handle fame.

   Everyone talks about a Smartalec. Sadly the Dumbalecs remain unmentioned.

   I get bored very easily. Stepping to the plate with me is challenging, I need someone who can please me mentally and physically.

   To the people telling me about how bored they are; don't look at me, I have nothing for you.

   Some people live one life and Facebook another.

   Not everyone is meant to be taken seriously.

   Nurses know Vicks Vapo Rub helps when you hear a minor cough, Robitussin helps when you hear a hoarse cough, and Mucinex helps when you hear a congested cough. Sadly no one knows what will help you when you hear a Fuh Cough.

   A Doctor working in a Nursing Home found that 90% of his patients were really concerned about laxatives. The rest could give a sh!t.

   Rich people who own fancy Bidet/Toilet combos to cleanse themselves after bowel movements tend to look down on regular people. To them we're all just a bunch of a$$wipes.

   Product Surveys suggest 4 out of 5 women will use any brand of facial tissue to blow there noses. The other one is just picky.

   Studies say 9 out of 10 Doctors drink Apple Juice as a part of a healthy diet. The other one is a Uroligist.

   Dear sleep, I miss u. Come find me I'll be waiting ;-)

   No wonder why Lebron James is a cowboy fan, they have one thing in common, they play good for 3 quarters.

   Trust Is Like An Eraser It Gets Smaller&&Smaller After Every Mistake!!!

   Never trust the word of a man who wears a wig.

   According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!

   I just invented a mirror that takes pics....i am gonna be rich

   I really should bring the chair at work home with me so I can get some sleep at night...