Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   We're looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.

   NASA is currently recruiting people for their rest studies program in which participants will be paid $18,000 to spend 70 days in bed and smoke different types of marijuana. so far, they've had 1 billion applicants.

   Every time I drive up to my new tax guy's office, he says the same thing. "You weren't tailed, were you?"

   It's tax time. I switched to a new tax guy and I think he's fantastic. He wants me to establish my full-time residence in Syria.

   I'm not trying to talk out of turn or anything here about the coronavirus BUT, have they tried it with a lime?

   Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.

   Being an adult is pretty easy. You just feel tired all the time & tell people about how tired you are & they tell you how tired they are.

   I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.

   Media sensationalism is playing a role in the Coronavirus. Still, the virus is nothing to sneeze about. (See what I did there?)

   Husbands married on February 29th are fortunate in that they only have to sleep on the couch once every 4 years after forgetting their Anniversary

   Saturday morning wife took me in for my weekly visit to my Psychologist. I told him that I sometimes feel like I'm a Cat. He wanted to know how long have I felt that way... I replied, "since I was a Kitten."

   Yesterday I watched an old man fishing in a puddle outside our neighborhood bar. So I invited him in and bought him a beer..I thought I would humor the old man and ask him how many fish had he caught today. The old man replied, "you're the eighth."

   This status is brought to you today by the neighbor's router.

   I don't get why people pay $600 or more a month in child support. According to the Sally Struthers, you can feed a kid for 35 cents a day.

   People say "love' is the best feeling ever. However I think finding a toilet right away when you have diarrhea is better.

   They say women only use 10% of their anger

   I learned something. Julius Caesar came up with leap day like 2,000 years ago. Julius Caesar invented leap day. And salad, I think.

   Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath

   At what age do you stop needing deodorants and start smelling like mothballs? (Asking for a friend.)

   I think it’s pretty cool how the media could cure the Corona virus with a bigger news story.