Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when I write a sarcastic Facebook status and someone who doesn't speak sarcasm has to comment and ruin it.

   It amazes me how most politicians havent contracted some type of STD from all the people they have screwed during their tenure. Figuratively and literally.

   I wonder if one day somebody will ever come and knock on my door and tell me “Hey we have 7 mutual friends in facebook", Can I come in?

   I wish I was 50 years younger and I'll kick your Ass! > Larry Merchant to Floyd Gayweather.

   In hard times like this, we need to call upon "Duck Dodgers in the 24th and a half century!"

   It's a Paleontological fact that T-Rexes were so vicious because their arms were too short for them to masturbate.

   Boy: "Is your body from McDonalds?" Girl: "Why? cause you're lovin' it?" Boy: "No, cuz it's fat and greasy."

   Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"

   It isn't you, it's me. It's me wanting to be on top of people who aren't you.

   I just got caught masterbating to a National Geographic magazine...i don't know who was more embarrassed, me or my dentist

   If you ever find yourself drinking more than one shot, you are either celebrating your birthday or trying to forget you were born.

   No. Standing as close to me as you possibly can, will not make the line move faster.

   me: how much is that shirt? vendor: for you sir? me: no, no, for you, remembrance from me.

   You know your hungry when you start eating some old cough drops

   If you do not like the way I solve things, then don't create a problem for me.

   IF you can read this you have a strong mind: 7H15 M355463 53RV35 70 PR0V3 H0W 0UR M1ND5 C4N D0 4M4Z1N6 7H1N65! 1MPR3551V3 7H1N65! 1N 7H3 B361NN1NG 17 W45 H4RD BU7 N0W, 0N 7H15 L1N3 Y0UR M1ND 15 R34D1N6 17 4U70M471C4 11Y W17H 0UT 3V3N 7H1NK1N6 4B0U7 17, B3

   I have in fact fallen more walking up stairs then falling down stairs.

   A guy is on a tightrope between two skyscrapers. Another guy is getting a smokejob from a 90 year old lady. What are they both thinking?...Don't look down.

   If your day ends in pizza, you have nothing to complain about :D

   Obama was only elected so they could blame the black guy !!! mmm hmm <finger snap and head bop with attitude>