Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   On a scale of 1-10 I give this day a middle finger

   Unfollow, Unfriend, & Delete are the Stop, Drop & Roll safety instructions when it comes to the internet's most annoying people.

   if NASA scientists are so smart, why didnt they pay attention to physics...what goes up must come down

   Just had a very positive experience with Verizon Customer Service. What the hell is this world coming to?

   Now that "Don't Ask Don't Tell" is repealed, is it okay to admit I like the song "Drops of Jupiter?"

   Your call to action went straight to voicemail.

   I've decided to get in shape. The shape will be “potato”.

   I wonder if the people that voted for Obama are the same people that voted for Sanjaya on American Idol?

   Put on clean whitie tighties...Check. What other falling satellite preparations should I be making??.....

   Never smoke weed and go to a Catholic Mass. It's a pretty long service, you'll get the munches, and end up trying to take communion like 6 times.

   I carry a diaper with me so I can hold it up and shout "excuse me, you dropped your adult diaper" when people cut in line.

   NASA says there is a 1 in 3000 chance debris from their satellite could hit someone. *Please be Casey Anthony, Please be Casey Anthony, Please be Casey Anthony*

   I wanna slap any man who thinks it's ok to hit a woman and then slap any woman that stays with a man who hits her.

   I wonder if the people that applaud Michelle Bachmann at the debates are the same people that voted for Sanjaya on American Idol.

   E=MC2 ...ish

   loves Ben & Jerry's ice cream but this new "Schweddy Balls" flavor is leaving a bad taste in my mouth.

   You can't ruin a friendship with sex. That's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles

   There's nothing that irks me more than guys fawning all over a hot, yet insecure dysfunctional actress type on facebook, as if they're gonna "get some". It's like watching people kissing the a$$ of a train wreck.

   FB needs to change it's status to, "It's Complicated!"

   What's the big deal about the Facebook changes? This is a free social media site you chose to use. Get over it or don't use it....seems simple to me