Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The voices in my head thought it was funny... so what's your problem? Oh wait... you might be missing the best part... A sense of humor!!

   ttention idiots: as you continue to read something clearly addressed to idiots. Idiot.

   I'm not going to apologize for it, cause the truth is I'd do it again.

   What's wrong with having your mind in the gutter all the time?! If it weren't for the gutter, my mind would be homeless!!!

   Well, seems the dude that created Doritos died, Art West was 97 years old, apparently he died of nacho-ral causes....

   I personally do not like to drive in the rain but the kid in me LOVES(♥'s) to drive over the rain puddles =]

   prays for the day when all resturants have scatch and sniffs ...to get a good whiff of the meal before you order it lol

   ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ

   I'm on a jet, flying to Europe. "Would you like dinner?", the flight attendant asked. I go, "What are my choices?". She said, "Yes or no."

   dreamt he wrote the Lord of the Rings last night...seems I was just Tolkien in my sleep!

   told his secretary this morning that her vocabulary was abominable to which she responded by asking me to keep her stocmach out of the question!

   Sex can not ruin a friendship! Thats like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.

   Facebook is about to start charging. If you want to keep your free account then go to your profile, take your right hand and punch yourself in the taint until it turns blue. Then post the picture and video on your profile.

   Every time a car passes by me with an old matress strapped down to the top, I often wonder if there is that little possibilty that a prostitue could be making a house call!

   I am not looking at you, I am looking past you.

   Nothing says "I'm a heartless,souless,low life,bottom feeding,inbred,motherf*cking scuz bag" like holding up a protest sign at a funeral.

   When I turn 69...(please feel free to finish this one)

   Excuses are the nails used to build a house of failure..

   Certain people come into your life as a blessing, others as a lesson and a few as a punishment.

   Why do people have Spiders as pets? It's not like tarantulas are cuddly or anything. I refuse to have a “pet” whose secret fantasy is finally being able to wrap me in a cocoon.