Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Do you ever notice that when you are ignoring a phone call, the phone seems to ring longer than usual

   If I could only have a dollar for every 'LIKE' I receive ...

   Cleavage is like the sun, you can look... But its dangerous to stare!

   Caught a flounder in my crab trap....What a fluke.

   Today almost had me pinned to the mat, but then I kneed its balls and now I'm pulling its tights up into its buttcrack.

   Just once, can you get the weather forecast right, weather fuc*ers?

   during a moment of silence at services last night...my ex girlfriend Stephanie asked what was happening...I said "this is the part of the service where we blow the Shofar"... she said "I'll take care of it...you paid for dinner".

   I have to stop eating rotisserie chicken. It is making me feel dizzy!

   Whenever someone says, "Have a good one." I always respond with, "I have a good one, I just wish it were longer."

   Yes tomorrow is Friday. Big f-ing deal. It happens every week. Deal with it.

   Two of the greatest mysteries of the universe: 1) Why are we here? 2) How come Chinese restaurants don't serve breakfast?

   I have the penmanship of a 7-year old arthritic serial killer who's been authorized to write prescriptions.

   When I got to the part of the job application that asked, "How much money per hr/per yr" I wrote "How much ya got?" because I didn't wanna' sound greedy...

   Presidential Election 2012. Herman Cain Vs. Barack Obama Better known as Cain vs Unable.

   Ever see an ugly woman with 3 or more kids, and wonder to yourself, "Who KEEPS f*cking you?!"

   I'm waking up early to knock on Jehovah's Witnesses' doors. Gonna ask them if they've accepted Time Warner as their Internet Service Provider.

   If I make intense eye contact with you as I yawn, I'm basically saying, "This one's for you, you boring motherf*cker."

   There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.

   Just came up with the best idea ever! And it's called going to bed. good night everyone.

   Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment