Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The blue whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10 percent enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?

   Trains do a pretty good job of letting you know they're still 7 miles away.

   Things that don't mix - pregnancy and clubbing.

   Everyone wants to wear Gucci. Not everyone wants to go out and get a job.

   I hate married people who act single.

   wondering if anybody is feeling Obama's Stimulus "Package" yet?

   The rather uneasy moment when your ex is hotter than before.

   Bring Your Child To Work Day; must be awkward for prostitutes.

   I guess my second puberty where I get a pen!s is never going to happen.

   V@gina is such an ugly word for ovary cave

   Please don't promise me something I never asked for and then change your mind the moment I fall for it.

   In solidarity with my Blackberry friends, I am not updating my st@tus until they are fully back on-line.

   A slut can't count to 70 because her mouth is full at 69

   If you think my wife is hot you should see my girlfriend.

   If you consider yourself a percetage of the US, then you're really just worthless to it.

   To all who lose constantly, never knowing victory, never experiencing a win. You are the champion of that.

   "Our instruments can make sounds!" --all sh!tty indie rock bands.

   Ever want to click on someones status and edit it for them?

   It's time to stop making the same old mistakes in your life. Get creative. Make some new ones.

   I know the exact day I gave up following the path of least resistance. It's on my birth certificate.