Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've stipulated to be laying on my side during my open casket funeral so it's convenient for anyone who wants to spoon me for the last time.

   They say to call your doctor if you've had an erection from these pills for more than four hours... but what if your doctor is ugly?

   If any kids come to my house this year dressed as Charlie Sheen or Zombie Amy Winehouse, they're getting punched in the face.

   Wow, as it turns out you're supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, NOT a jelly stain. Sending a big SORRY out to that lady at the Waffle House from this morning. I was just trying to help!

   Roses are red, violets are blue, GET IN THE VAN!!!!!

   My G.P.S...Does not know ..how to get to Sesame Street,,,??

   "Party at my crib @ 2am" -on a baby shirt

   You're as useless as pants on a hooker..

   Aah cute! A little spider crawling on my screen...RIP little one

   Yo mama is so fat even her pictures are heavy.

   You're as useless as the “ay” in “okay”!!

   If you ask me, Spongebob Squarepants is not a Sponge, he a Tampon.

   3 Jobs that changed the world: HAND, BLOW and STEVE!

   Man Law #236: Unless you last name is "Van Damme" grown a$$ men don't do the splits...

   just read that the Raiders Organization says they will have an open casket for Al Davis....most people won't know the difference anyway

   I don't understand interventions. What's the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

   At school we learn that the sun rises in the east but in fact, the sun neither rises nor sets. Only earth rotates. Education spoils our common sense sometimes.

   Loving someone who does not love you back is like waiting for a ship at the airport.

   Pain changes people. Don't hurt them if you don't want them to change on you.

   All this time I thought Bi-Polar was big white bear with no sexual preference.